2022 #5: Quest for the Crystals, Part II
Upper left corner: May. '95, 5
Top center: 2022
Top right: 50 cents, SA logo
Lower right: Quest for the Crystals, Part II
Analysis:
Our heroes engage a group of minions in a randomly chaotic melee. That's never been done before. I apparently took April of '95 off, as issue 4 was dated March and issue 5 is dated May. Clearly the extra time that went into this one helped a lot.
Tarian's leg goes completely insane to kick someone, presumably just to show off and remind you that, once again, yes, Tarian can shapeshift. You haven't forgotten, have you? Here, maybe this leg will remind you.
Lavor skips the fancy stuff and just punches a guy, once again proving that he's the no-nonsense one on the team. Remember, he's the one who shaved an entire fourth off their quest to get essences of the four elements for their sword by more or less saying "lava counts as fire, screw this, give me that thing" and touching it. In hindsight, the saddest part about Lavor's no-frills incisiveness is that it was completely unintentional. He wasn't supposed to be the one you go to when you're tired of screwing around and want to get stuff done. He was supposed to have the same vaguely optimistic and accepting heroic personality as everyone else. He just happened to coincidentally get all of the really good lines and most of the killing blows. It's sort of like how Shockwave probably wasn't supposed to be a complete Mary Sue, but, you know, these things happen.
Speaking of Shockwave, he's using his shockwave power, from which he gets his name. This is the second issue in a row in which he uses it right on the cover, and it still hasn't been adequately explained. Oh, well, he's still the most important character ever, and Cyber reflects his complete lack of spotlight after Shockwave stole it by not even bothering to fight. He does look mildly irritated, though. Maybe he's hoping that bog people have slightly annoyed glares as a secret weakness. Also, this seems like as good a time as any to point out Cybre's portrait in that head collection in the upper-left corner. Just like real comics, I have everyone's face drawn in there as a sort of roll call for the issue. However, with Cybre, I always took the extra time to draw his ponytail behind where his body would be if it were there, but it clearly isn't. This is far from the first or last time I do that--it's actually fairly standard in that roll call box--but there is a special reason I feel like mentioning my having drawn Cybre's cleanly severed head in this particular issue. We'll get to that later, though.
All in all, a fairly unremarkable fight scene, as fairly typical for 2022 covers. We have the sword sort of randomly superimposed over the scene, along with the Powerball and the... whoa. Wait. Hold on. What the hell is with that tower? No, seriously, what the hell is with that tower?? I get that they're gathering elemental essences for the sword by visiting Towers/Temples/Palaces/whatever I must have inconsistently decided to call them this issue (except when Lavor skipped Fire by doing it himself,) but since when is Fabulousness an element? The shocking pinks and purples, the shape, the...everything. My favorite part has to be all those spines along what can only be described as the tower's corona glandis. You usually don't see those outside of BMEzine or the furry fandom.
Shockwave: Uh-oh. The Powerball must be trying its hardest to stop us, thanks to Scratch!
Shockwave, again: And that's pretty hard!
Analysis:
Behold, our brilliant leader. (Well, technically, Cybre is supposed to be the team leader, but not if Shockwave Sue has anything to say about it.) I just want to repeat what he just said in his thoughts, because it may just be the greatest line ever. Having been suddenly attacked (they haven't gotten around to being drawn yet in this issue, but there are totally a bunch of enemies everywhere thanks to the cliffhanger from last issue) he thinks "uh-oh. The Powerball must be trying its hardest to stop us, thanks to Scratch!" He then pauses, evidently thinking it over, and ultimately decides to add "and that's pretty hard!" Thank you, Shockwave. Thank you.
Panel 1, Shockwave: Yaaah!
Panel 1, sound effect: Whoosh!
Panel 2, Lavor: ?
Panel 2, Shockwave: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, I can live up to my name and create shock waves like that.
Panel 2, Lavor: So, then why do you need our help?
Analysis:
Finally, after having teased it for two consecutive covers, Shockwave's shockwave powers are revealed! And since he did such a terrible job explaining them, further elaboration here is necessary: when Shockwave throws his own arm inward--think of the motion for throwing a Frisbee done backwards--he can spontaneously generate a yellow arc that goes from his shoulder, out as far as he can throw it, and back to his hand. It's completely solid--a few issues later, he actually starts blocking sword swings and such with it--and, judging by the reaction when he hits enemies with it, very sharp.
This, of course, is exactly how shockwaves work.
Also, Lavor is not the first person to wonder why Shockwave even needs the rest of the team at this point.
Shockwave: Just my power against all of Scratch's armies, the Powerball....
Lavor: Oh yeah.
Analysis:
Wait, since when does Scratch have more than one army?
(no text)
Analysis:
Cybre decides to try out this new sword of theirs in battle, only to find that it's about as useless in battle as he is. It appears to have a serious problem with its own blade trailing behind itself, as Cybre manages to do the impossible and swing the thing down directly on a bog person's head at point-blank range and miss because the blade is apparently still stuck where it was before he took the swing.
(no text)
Analysis:
Poor Tarian. His only two defining features--literally all there is to know about his entire character--are that he can shapeshift, and that one black square in his normal grid form is a crippling weakness that instantly causes him to turn into a ball and collapse when struck. Naturally, because it's right there on the very center of his abdomen and he apparently never feels the need to assume any sort of form that doesn't have it, even the bog people know it's there and he gets incapacitated by it time and time again. Only in a comic like this could a shapchanger capable of assuming literally any form he pleases with no as-yet established limits end up being even more useless to the team than Cybre.
Panel 2, sound effect: Toss!
Panel 3, sound effect: Smack!
Analysis:
The entire cast on both sides apparently just randomly decided that it's suddenly time for the bog people to win this fight, as Shockwave allows himself to be grabbed and tossed with seemingly no resistance whatsoever. He even stays down, as being picked up and tossed once is clearly enough to completely ruin him.
(no text)
Analysis:
Oh, yeah, Cybre and Lavor are randomly defeated too, I guess. Also, since Lavor is made out of lava, it is very fortunate for Shockwave that what appears to be a gigantic splash in the first panel apparently chose not to happen after all in the second.
(no text)
Analysis:
A bog person takes out a device of some sort to make a laser beam cage for the fallen heroes. Personally, I can't think of any higher priority when dealing with this team than making sure an unconscious Cybre doesn't go anywhere. Left to his own devices, he might somehow suddenly let his hair down while still out cold, or something.
(no text)
Analysis:
Shockwave, to whom they only gave a single, almost gentle toss to the ground--although, to be fair, it was apparently enough to crack both of his shoulder pads--slowly gets up. The bog person couldn't deal with Shockwave because he was busy giving a laser cage to Tarian, who was rendered completely unconscious by a dark square shot and could probably just ooze between the beams once he waks up anyway. Priorities, people.
There's a swirly thing in the background and... sigh. Okay. Look. There is one thing that actually genuinely embarrasses me about this comic, and that is the plagiarism. I feel no shame when discussing the plot holes, the tactical stupidity, the team's ineffectiveness in combat, and so on. It's funny. However, for some reason, the parts that are blatantly and directly lifted from a video game or show I was into or something are genuinely shameful, even now. I hesitated for a while before putting up the issue that first debuted the Triforce I dared to call the Powerball. What you are about to see in the next panel is the reason why I almost abandoned the idea of sharing this series entirely. It's that shameful. (This is why, even though this site section claims to be for all my old comics, 2022 may end up being the only series that will ever actually get posted. I am still very leery about Tales of the Dragon Wars, AKA "this entire comic is just Breath of Fire with Zero from Mega Man X in it.") Regarding 2022, though, I've come this far already, and I suppose I can't abandon it now. We can only move forward from here. We must brace ourselves and move on, to face the full wrath of....
Panel 1, spacepool: Shockwave, enter the Spacepool. This will enhance your gloves. With it, you can shoot your shock waves farther.
Analysis:
Shockwave gets the Mega Man X "enter this capsule and receive a cooler outfit with powers" mechanic. Because he just wasn't stealing the spotlight enough already. Sure, Cybre got his own special issue with attempted plot justification when I felt like giving him a makeover, too, but at least he did it without completely ripping off Mega Man X. Well... okay, instead, Cybre did it by completely ripping off the "agh my powers are fading" angst from season 2 Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. ...Shut up. :(
On a lighter note, the crack patterns in Shockwave's shoulder pads have changed sides.
(no text)
Analysis:
Cut, for no particular reason, to a random shot of Lavor receiving his laser cage. So the entire bog people group is content to classify anything Shockwave may be up to as less of a threat than making sure his unconscious sidekicks don't go anywhere?
(no text)
Analysis:
Shockwave's cool new red gloves do indeed allow him to shoot his shock waves farther. They also allow him to shoot from the wrist, apparently. In a surprise I'm sure that prioritizing bog person never saw coming, the guy he completely ignored while he was caging the others hits him with a shock wave, causing him to fling the device into the air, causing it to AAAAHHHH WHAT HAPPENED TO CYBRE??
Remember when I said that this would be a good issue to point out the fact that my drawing Cybre's ponytail behind him in the character roll call box on the cover makes it look like I'm drawing his severed head? Yeah....
I blame some sort of epic laziness for this. The attentive reader may notice that I had a particular aversion to drawing more than I have to, and very frequently abused neck-up shots to minimize drawing those pesky bodies, but dear God. Would it have killed me to draw the inch or so of shoulder it would have taken to connect him to the edge of the purple beam, at the very least? That's just one ] shaped line!!
(no text)
Analysis:
Cybre, Lavor, and Tarian triumphantly rise now that their cages have been dispelled. Even though they were already unconscious when the cages were applied, dispelling them was apparently enough to spontaneously revive all of them, and so they rise once more, complete with glorious purple glow that I quite franky would have expected to see when they reached that tower from the cover, but not right now.
Panel 4, sound effect: Boom!
Panel 5, Shockwave: Guys! Hit them between the eyes!
Analysis:
Another complete ripoff, though this one involves a bit of explaining. The first time Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers switched villains (from Rita to Lord Zedd,) the random minion putty people (on which 2022's bog people are directly based) got an "upgrade." Rita's putties just sort of fought generically for a while, then disappeared when they were generically beaten. Zedd's putties were stated to be stronger and more powerful and presented as though they were a devastating new threat, but they actually had a glaring weakness in that they were destroyed instantly when anyone punched the giant emblem right in the middle of their chest, sort of like Tarian. (That was actually not a ripoff, though; Tarian is an older character and I thought of that first. Because that's totally something to be proud of. Anyway....) One could reasonably question whether Zedd's putties were actually upgraded and more threatening like the show said they were, since they went from having no obvious weakness to being instantly destroyed whenever anyone hit their chest emblem. I know I questioned that. And yet, I somehow found it in my heart to steal the idea for the bog people anyway.
Of course, mine went down when you hit them between the eyes because I wanted to be original.
Panel 1, sound effect: Thud!
Panel 2, sound effect: Boom!
Analysis:
The reeling bog people all get tossed against each other so they're all together just in time to... wait, exactly what the hell kind of explosion is that?
So, the day is saved, the bog people are defeated, and it's time to move on with this titular Quest for the Crystals...or orbs...or elements for the useless sword they're carrying around or whatever it is for which they are questing, right? Wrong. Every issue has to have a stupid cliffhanger, and speaking as the author who has future knowledge of all the upcoming issues and such, you are seriously about to witness the single stupidest cliffhanger in the entire series. I promise you that you are not ready for this.
Panel 1 (main), Shockwave: We did it!
Panel 2, sound effect: Crumble
Panel 3, caption: To be continued....
Analysis:
Shockwave randomly falls off a cliff.
Shockwave, randomly, without provocation, and out of completely nowhere, falls off a cliff.
Behold, readers. These are your heroes. These are the people who are going to try to save the world from Scratch and the Powerball. Scratch only has the Powerball in the first place because Shockwave felt the urge to bring the Amulet of Xorg directly to him. The only remotely insightful thing any single person on the team has done since then was the time when Lavor added Fire to the sword himself, and even then, they all promptly forgot you were allowed to do that and went right back to questing for the temples or towers or palaces or whatever for the other three elements. They spent most of this issue being too inept to fend off random encounter bog people, only winning because Shockwave got even more extra special power-up love and the bog people all spontaneously decided to completely ignore him until he freed everyone. After pulling off a completely undeserved victory, while left completely to their own devices, with absolutely no provocation or opposition or anyone actually trying to stop them, their de facto leader randomly took it upon himself to fall off a God damned cliff.
The world is doomed.
Granted, I can understand not noticing the cliff edge being there because of how infrequently I ever drew terrain--or anything at all below any given character's nipples, really--but still.
That third panel is supposed to be an overhead view, by the way, if you were wondering why the dirt/grass composition on the cliff suddenly changed. I have no explanation for why he was standing on the exact corner of such a perfectly square cliff, though.
Next issue: Shockwave gets another power, and one member of the team meets his match!
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