FINALY FANTASY: MYSTIC QUEST MSTed by Kjorteo, Kumo, Xaq, and Emperor Spade from the AoS series Legend: Person who's talking: What they say has a - in front of it if it's an unimportant side comment from one of the common townsfolk or something (In-game message) *Action* [Denotes a fight] ----- Hill of Destiny ----- Xaq: Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest was filmed before a once-live studio audience. Benjamin: My village is gone!! What on earth is going on? Kumo: It left without you. You should have been at the rendezvous on time. Kjorteo: Maybe you were plalying with bombs again? Spade: This is an earthquake scene. Xaq: Well, high-powered explosives DO tend to have strong shock waves. Guide: This place is going to sink any second! Let's climb up quick! Spade: (Benjamin) No thanks, I prefer taking my time when I'm scrambling for dear life. Xaq: The sad thing is that this is the most action-oriented point in the game. Guide: Press the "B" Button, and jump across! Spade: (Benjamin) Let's see...it's on my sword's hilt somewhere...aha! *Jumps* Kjorteo: I just love it when they give the hero instructions meant for the player. It sounds riduclous, but it's funny. Guide: Look over there. That's the Focus Tower, once the heart of the world. Kjorteo: (Guide) Now it's been demoted to Spleen. Kumo: If someone attacks it, do the world's arms and chest start to cramp up? Xaq: Okay, if that's the heart of the game, where's the brain? Spade: In the trash bin, obviously. And old Prophecy says, "The vile 4 will steal the Power, and divide the World behind 4 doors. At that time the Knight will appear." Xaq: Wow...so spellbinding. *gags* Kjorteo: You gotta wonder what the ancient prophets were on in all these games.... Kumo: I think the dictionary was a more gripping read. The Prophecy has now come true. 4 monsters have locked the doors of the Focus Tower and escaped with the keys. Spade: (Guide) And the Janitor is on strike, and he took HIS key with him. Kumo: Wait, you mean all of the prophecy has come true? Oh, right, I just remembered a thing or two about its pamphlet-like detail. They're draining the light from the 4 Crystals of the Earth, and the World is in chaos. The people are in desperate need of help. Benjamin, only you can save the Crystals and the World. Kjorteo: Um...why? Spade: (Guide) Yes, for it is written somewhere that he who is whiny and helpless escaping from a village he destroyed himself will somehow save us all. Kumo: Umm... since when are all four crystals devoted to Earth? Sure, they're all MADE of earth, but for some reason they're supposed to be the four different elements of life (you know, carbon, oxygen, phosphor, and sulfer). Benjamin: Me? Kumo: (Guide) Haha! Gotcha! Kjorteo: (Guide) No, the other idiot who barely escaped from his own village-destroying spree. YES, YOU!! Guide: Yes, you Benjamin! Only you could be the Knight spoken of in the Prophecy... Kjorteo: Um...why? Guide: Look out! A monster! Spade: (Benjamin) Oh, that's just my mom. She's not much of a morning person. Kjorteo: (Benjamin's mom) BENJAMIN, DID YOU DESTROY THE VILLAGE AGAIN!? YOU'RE GROUNDED!! Kumo: We all know how intimidating the monsters of this game are. (Ben) Hey, old dude, now's the time to take your time running. Xaq: Yeah, that thing's not going anywhere...none of them do. *zzz...* [Fight with Behemoth] Guide: Seems I was right! At last I've found a true Knight! Kumo: Yes! Only a knight fit to save the world could exhibit a force equivalent to that of pushing down a crotchety, 100 year old woman! Benjamin: But you said you were SURE I was the one! Kumo: (Guide) Are you kidding? I just thought you did such a nice job destroying that village that maybe... Guide: Well, actually, it was more of a guess... Kjorteo: (Benjamin) How comforting to know my guide is so wise and sure. Xaq: Makes me wonder what kind of vapors made that cloud he's floating on.... Benjamin: Forget it. Just tell me where I can find the Crystals. Kumo: Well, that village you destroyed had a nice fine jewelry shop... Xaq: This game couldn't get any worse if he bought the Crystals on Ebay. Guide: It's up to you to find them. Spade: (Benjamin) In that case, do you even do ANYTHING? Xaq: (Guide) Well...umm...I float around on a cloud! Guide: This place is becoming dangerous! Follow me to the Level Forest! Kumo: If it's been leveled, there is no forest. *Guide flies off* Kjorteo: (Benjamin) Oh yeah, here I come. WHEEEEEEE...splat. Xaq: Don't get our hopes up, Kjorteo. Benjamin: Got to get out of here. Who is that guy, anyway? Kjorteo: (Benjamin) And who cursed us both with unending stupidity? ----- Level Forest ----- Benjamin: There you are! What do you think I should do first? Kjorteo: (Guide) Find a real hero? Guide: Save the Crystal of Earth. See you! Spade: (Benjamin) Oh, thanks. (What do I pay this guy for, anyway?) Kumo: Obviously not plot. Xaq: Or dialogue. -Old Man: That boulder is blocking my way back to town. Would you shove it aside? Kumo: (Benji) I could, but I dun wanna. -Old Man: Thank you! If you want to go through this forest, find Kaeli in Foresta and show her this. Kumo: (Benny-boy) Hey! That's mi-... why are you touching my...!? (Received Tree Wither!) Kjorteo: (Benjamin) Um...why? Spade: OK, that's enough. Kjorteo: Hey, it's not my fault this game doesn't make the slightest bit of sense. Xaq: Makes you wonder what (or if) Squaresoft was thinking...although I'm not sure I'd want to know. -Old Man: Thank you. Have you seen Kaeli yet? Kumo: (His Benniness) I wasn't supposed to tell you, but she's been hiding behind your back the whole time. ----- Foresta ----- -Old Woman 1: The monster can drain energy from a person. I'm really just a child! Spade: Aren't we all. Kumo: You're pretty tall... I'm not buyin' it. Xaq: Why couldn't we have said that when this game first came out? -Old Woman 2: The Crystal of Earth is to the north, in the Bone Dungeon. Kumo: I thought they were all crystals of earth. -Old Man 1: Strange trees are growing in the Level Forest... Kjorteo: They're crooked? Kumo: They're called Douglas Firs. Back on my planet, we chop them down and surround them with light to celebrate the birth of the first and only drug-free hippie on a day that's nowhere near that of his birth. So you're right, they are pretty strange. -Old Man 2: I've turned into an old man! Kumo: Time tends to sneak up on ya these centuries, don't it? I bet the offspring of your offspring have turned into college graduates about now, too. -Old Man 3: Thanks for the help back there! Take the chest in the back. (Received Cure!) Kumo: A cure that no doubt could have been put to good use, but now that it's in the hands of Bennathan... Xaq: Oh well, that's what the spell gets for allowing itself to be put in this game. -Old Man 3: Kaeli can talk to tree spirits. Kumo: But we worry when she says they've started to talk back. -Man: Can you save all 4 Crystals? Kumo: (Bent) All four? Umm... I count 337 since the last time I slipped and fell on my face. -Woman: If you're tired, have a rest on that bed. Spade: (Woman) The 2 of us are just going to share the other bed, so we don't need this one...hehehe. -Kaeli's Mom: My husband, Mac, forgot his Captain Cap! Kumo: What kind of crappy poem is that? Spade: My husband Mac forgot his Cap, when he left for his ship...The plot's real slow, just so's ya know, this game is full of...nevermind. Xaq: Well, that about sums it up. (Can we go home now?) I hope nothing happens... Kjorteo: Right, like he's going to get killed by evil hat demons if he doesn't have the magical protection of his Captain Cap. Xaq: (Mac) Back you foul creatures, BACK I say! Get b....oh no...I FORGOT MY CAP! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! Kaeli: I'm Kaeli. There's a tree blocking the north exit of the Level Forest. I can chop down the tree, but monsters have taken over the forest, and I can't get to it. Benjamin: I can help you with that. Come on, let's go! Spade: WHOA! Did I miss something!? Kjorteo: No, they just don't need any real reasoning or dialogue to get people in your party in this game. Kumo: It's a two-person party, so he'll never see her again. Why bother with establishing any kind of true freindship or even minimal attachment? Xaq: Good point. I mean, it'd make sense and give the game a bit of a plot. We can't have THAT, now can we? Kaeli's Mom: Don't you dare take Kaeli anywhere dangerous! Kumo: (Benn Juan DeMarco) No, I'm taking her AWAY from the house. Get it? Xaq: *fakes a rimshot* Kaeli: Listen, Mom... Kjorteo: (Kaeli) I...hate...you. Should I write that down? Kaeli: Hey! That Tree Wither looks awful! How much the trees must be suffering! OK, you win. Kumo: (Kaeli) You can take the money if you wipe that stupid look off your face! I can't reach for my purse if I'm shaking with laughter! Kaeli: Don't worry, Mom. Spade: (Kaeli) I'm just running off into a forest filled with monsters with some stranger who doesn't have a clue what he's doing being led by a guide with the IQ of cabbage...what could possibly go wrong? Xaq: The game could get interesting, that's what. (Kaeli joined!) Kjorteo: You know, she never did give a valid argument on joining to her mom... Xaq: Well, if she did, it would ruin the game's perfect streak of making no sense. -Kaeli's Mom: Take care! ----- Level Forest ----- Kaeli: Let me cut this with my Axe. Spade: (Benjamin) NOO!! I don't want to change my name to John Bobb....oh, wait, you mean the tree. OK, go for it. Kumo: Didn't you come out here to help the trees? You certainly sympathized with that little wither, whatever the hell that is. Kaeli: We've got to reach the north exit. Kjorteo: Um...why? Spade: Haven't you said that enough? Kjorteo: You know, for a kid's game, this sure is hard to follow. Kumo: It's kind of like "follow the snail". You'll never lose track of it unless you fall asleep or step on it. Kumo: On my planet, the light doesn't actually come FROM the tree... Kaeli: This is the evil tree I was talking about. Spade: When was she ever talking about an evil tree? *Kaeli chops it, and it turns into Minotaur* Minotaur: Uwa ha ha! Surprise! Kumo: You could cut the suspense with a spork. *Kaeli falls to the ground* Kaeli: He poisoned me...Just as he d...did the t.t...trees! Kumo: With herbicide? I seriously doubt you have the biology of a tree. Xaq: She has the intelligence of one, at any rate. [Fight with Minotaur] Spade: How the heck can they call this a boss fight when a single Life spell does the job?! *Kaeli's Mom walks up* Spade: And here comes the completely random NPC entrance. Kaeli's Mom: Kaeli! What happened? Kaeli: I'll be okay...as soon as I take Elixir... Kumo: Take two elixir, and call me via treephone in the morning. Kaeli's Mom: That's in the Sand Temple. Kumo: They're called pyramids, dear. Spade: Since when did they shape pyramids like caves, though? Benjamin: Don't worry, I'll get it! Kjorteo: (Benjamin) Seeing as I haven't done anything ELSE remotely noteworthy this whole game, I just HAVE to succeed this time! Kaeli: Then take this Axe with you... (Received Axe!) Kumo: You can use it to finish off any survivors from that town you destroyed. Benjamin: I'll be back. Spade: (Kaeli) *D'OH!* ----- Sand Temple ----- *Benjamin opens the treasure chest* (Empty!) Xaq: Well, they tried to surprise us, at least.. *Tristam walks up* Tristam: Looking for some Cure, kid? Benjamin: First of all, my name is Benjamin, and I'm looking for Elixir. All: HI, BENJAMIN! Spade: Welcome to Plots Anonymous. Tristam: I'll sell you some for, say 9000 GP. Well? Kumo: Badly. I like word association games. Benjamin: Whoa! That's way too much! Kjorteo: You're the hero and you don't even have a measly 9000 GP? For shame! Xaq: Amazing how he makes that Elixer worth more than the entire game. Tristam: Listen kid, this stuff is precious, right? Kumo: (Tristam) Only the first one's free, kid. Ya gotsta pay fer ya own stuff after that. Benjamin: My allowance is only 2 GP a month! Spade: (Benjamin) And mom'll probably cut it in half, too, seeing as I destroyed the village and all. Tristam: Then let's do it this way. I'm going to the Bone Dungeon to find treasure. You come with me and help. If I get the treasure, you get the Elixir. Kumo: Now, EVEN THOUGH this guy's name resembles "trust him"... Xaq: Personally, I wouldn't argue with a guy with a bunch of poison-tipped throwing stars.... Spade: I wouldn't argue with a guy who flattened a whole village, either. Benjamin: Do I have any choice? When do we go? Kumo: (Tristam) On the fourth full moon following the Winter Solstice, the midnight sky will become ablaze with the fires of... er, how's Tuesday? Tristam: There's a Battlefield nearby. Kjorteo: Well THAT was random. Spade: (Benjamin) OK, that answers my question. Thanks. Why don't you whack a few monsters there, and maybe win something, kid! Spade: Ewww. Kjorteo: Hey, get your mind out of the gutter. This is a kid's game. Benjamin: The name's Benjamin! Kumo: (B-man) What's your name? Oh, right, brain fart... (Tristam joined!) Spade: Yet another profoundly written joining up scene. Xaq: They're batting a perfect game of 0.000 so far...can they keep it up? (Of course...) ----- Foresta ----- -Kaeli's Mom: Take care! Kjorteo: For someone who's daughter just got poisoned, she doesn't seem too worried, does she? Spade: Maybe the poisoning thing was just an act so she could have an excuse to get away from Benjamin. Xaq: Well, if it was, it obviously didn't work.... -Kaeli: Take care... Spade: Oh, I see originality runs in the family, too. ----- Bone Dungeon ----- Tristam: The door's sealed shut. Well, here goes... Benjamin: ?? Kumo: (Benny-Boy) What are you doing with your hand?? Tristam: Watch this! *Tristam plants a bomb, the door explodes and is open* Benjamin: !! Spade: I'm sort of surprised a destructive guy like Benjamin wouldn't know what a bomb is. Tristam: Aren't these something? Kjorteo: (Benjamin) No. Kumo: Ils sont rien, n'est-ce pas? I'll sell you some, cheap! How about 50 Explosives for 30 GP? ("Sorry.") Tristam: All right, I'll cut you a deal. How about 50 Explsives for 15 GP? ("Okay!") (Learned to use Bomb!) Kjorteo: (Benjamin) Just think of the villages I could destroy with THESE!! Flamerus Rex: Grr...You'll never beat me. I have the power of the Crystal of Earth! [Fight with Flamerus Rex] Kjorteo: You were saying? *The Earth Crystal appears* Benjamin: Look! The Crystal! Spade: (Benjamin) It's really plastic! Tristam: Never mind that, get a load of this stuff! *Tristam fires the Dragon Claw twice* Tristam: I'll keep this. Oh, here's what you wanted. (Received Elixir!) Tristam: Look, I've got to go. See you around, kid. ----- Foresta ----- -Girl: Look, I'm a little girl again! -Woman: Go save the Crystals! -Man: Thanks for saving us and the trees! -Boy: I want to hear Mac's stories again! Kumo: All right, that's about all I can handle. I'm out of here. *Goes to the bathroom and blows chunks* -Kaeli's Mom: Hurry and give Kaeli the medicine! Kjorteo: (Benjamin) No. Haha, just kidding. Hey, put that axe down!! Kaeli: Benjamin...is it really you? Spade: (Benjamin) No, it's some guy who actually knows what he's doing and has a decent guide. YES IT'S ME!! Benjamin: Here's the Elixir. Kaeli: Thank you. Now I can visit Spencer in Aquaria... Kjorteo: Um...wh-- Spade: ENOUGH. Benjamin: Why don't I go to Aquaria first and look around? Spade: (Kaeli) Because you're a moron, you have no prior reason to go there, and I hate you. Xaq: Naah...if he listened to THAT reason, there would be something in this game that made SENSE, and we CAN'T have that, now can we? Where is it? Xaq: *Falls flat on his face anime-style, gets up* And that's the ball game, folks! Kjorteo: Now THAT will just FILL Kaeli with confidence that he'll succeed in getting there. Kaeli: It's through the Focus Tower, and to the northeast. -Kaeli: Take care... -Kaeli's Mom: Bye now! Xaq: Boy, SHE sure seems perky after what her daughter went through. Maybe Kaeli should sue for child abuse. Spade: I think WE should sue for abuse after having to put up with THIS.... ----- Focus Tower ----- Guide: Well done, Benjamin. Remember, Captain Mac will be crucial to your quest. Spade: Don't even say it. Kjorteo: But surely you must be wondering too. Xaq: Ahh, screw it..... *ahem* (Kjorteo) Um...why? Benjamin: ?? Guide: A girl named Phoebe can help you. Kjorteo: This is just making less and less sense by the sentence. Xaq: You mean making negative sense is actually POSSIBLE? Wow! Benjamin: But I'm going to Aquaria! Guide: Maybe you'll find her along the way... *Guide flies off* Benjamin: It opened! Kjorteo: That is sort of what doors do, you know. Xaq: Of course, usually they use a key rather than a coin... ----- Libra Temple ----- Benjamin: Hi! Kjorteo: (Benjamin) I'm a really stupid "hero" who has absolutely nothing profound to say! What's up? Xaq: (Phoebe) Hey, aren't you the guy who blew his own village up? Spade: (Ben) How'd you know about th....I mean......wha? Phoebe: It's hopeless, I give up... Spade: (Phoebe) I've only been around you for one line and I'm already sick of you...I'll never make it through the whole game... Xaq: Amazing she held out THAT long. Aquaria is frozen, people are sick, Grandpa is trapped... Spade: (Phoebe) My car won't start, my bills are overdue, and I have to star in a game with *YOU*. Xaq: *Rifles through the phone book looking for the Suicide Hotline* Benjamin: Wait, have you ever heard of a man named Spencer? Kjorteo: (Benjamin) Someone I've known all of about 2 hours wants to search for him for no particular reason, so I thought I'd check. Phoebe: Why...he's my Grandpa! Spade: How convenient. Xaq: That's it, I can't take anymore...anyone want me to grab some popcorn while I'm gone? Spade: How 'bout some earplugs and a couple of blindfolds instead? Xaq: ....K. *Leaves* Benjamin: What luck! Let's go free him. Phoebe: But we can't! I'm going home... Benjamin: Hey! What's your name? Where are you from? Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry. Kjorteo: (Phoebe) I don't give info like that to losers like you. I'm Phoebe from Aquaria. Spade: Even MORE convenient. Benjamin: YOU are Phoebe? Then I'm going with you! Spade: (Phoebe) Well, just because some guy I don't even know was looking for someone who happens to share my first name...sure, that sounds like good logic to me. (Phoebe joined!) Spade: I'd say "And the plot thickens!" at this point, but we need a plot first.. ----- Aquaria ----- -Old Woman: Brr... The ice doesn't melt even when heated! -Cure Potion Salesman: All the healing herbs are frozen, so I can't make my Cure Potion... -Explosives Salesman: How about some Explosives? Kjorteo: (Benjamin) Um...sure, but wrap them discreetly so my mom won't notice. Spade: (Benjamin's Mom) BEN!! ARE YOU BUYING EXPLOSIVES!? Kjorteo: (Benjamin) Um...no! Xaq: I'm back...is it over yet? Spade: Afraid not. Xaq: @#%!!! -Innkeeper: Take a nice rest for 95 GP! Refreshment guaranteed! -Boy: The cold air made Grandma sick. Spade: The plot of this game made ME sick. Xaq: ...What plot? -Man: The monster in the Ice Pyramid makes itself invisible. -Woman 1: A monster in the Ice Pyramid up north is draining the power of the Crystal of Water. -Woman 2: How about buying my Steel Helmet for 200 GP? ("Okay!") -Woman 2: I hope you're happy with the Steel Helm! Kjorteo: I thought it was a helmet. Xaq: What, you expected them to get something right? -Girl: There's a Magic Mirror which reflects the images of monsters. Spade: Don't all mirrors do that? Kjorteo: Obviously this one is special, because it *ONLY* reflects monsters. It's the only way Dracula gets his hair combed in the morning. Xaq: Y'know, I was WONDERING how he survived 500+ years and never grew a beard or ponytail.. Benjamin: So Phoebe, where's Spencer trapped? Spade: (Phoebe) In a really dumb kid's game with the most unremarkable characters ever and a hero who's a complete...um, I mean, underground somewhere. Phoebe: In the tunnel he was digging under here. The dirt is frozen solid, so he can't get out. Benjamin: Can't we melt it? Phoebe: Not until we get Wakewater from the Spring of Life. But a monster in the Wintry Cave stole the Libra Crest which Warps us from the Libra Temple to the Life Temple. Xaq: .............Yyyyyyyyyyyyeah. Spade: I see. Kjorteo: *cough*contrived*cough* Benjamin: ?? Benjamin: Anyway, ferst we have to get that whatcha-ma-call-it Crest back, right? Kjorteo: Take anything we've said about this guy's intelligence and act like we said it twice as forcefully. Phoebe: Right! To the Wintry Cave! ----- Wintry Cave ----- *After getting a ways in, the two fall off a cliff, Benjamin hitting the bottom and Phoebe stopping herself and then gently climbing down* Phoebe: This claw saved me! Here's how to use it. Select the Claw, hold the A Button down, and press the Control Pad. Kjorteo: (Benjamin) OK, let me write that down real quick...stupid mechanical claws with buttons on them.... Xaq: (Phoebe) Oh quit griping. You had to press a button on your sword to jump, remember? Now it's yours! (Recieved Cat Claw!) Spade: That was meaningful. [Fight with Squidite] Phoebe: That must be the Libra Crest! Let's take it and go to the Libra Temple. There's a mark there that looks just like the design on the Crest. Stand on it, and we'll be warped to the Life Temple! (Found Libra Crest!) ----- Life Temple ----- Phoebe: That must be the Spring of Life. Phoebe: !! !! Spade: You don't say. The water's dried up! It's hopeless now. Kjorteo: Determined, isn't she? Benjamin: Don't give up yet. There' someone inside. Kjorteo: Through some off-screen passage and around some corners. I didn't see him, I just read a few pages ahead in the script. Xaq: Y'know, right now I'm thinking the only plot THIS game's gonna get is the one it's BURIED in.... Spade: Provided anyone bothers to pay for a funeral. Let's have a look. Kjorteo: (Benjamin) I was looking for you! We need to talk about what it is exactly that you DO in this game.... Benjamin: Aquaria's in great danger! Guide: I know that. We need Wakewater to melt the ice... Phoebe: But the Wakewater has dried up! It's hopeless! Spade: Quit being so naive. Guide: Hear me! All that's left of the Wakewater is in this bag. Take it and go back to Aquaria. Kjorteo: He put the Wakewater in a BAG? Spade: Let's hope it's durable plastic. (Received Wakewater!) *Guide flies off* ----- Aquaria ----- Phoebe: Wakewater, please save our town! *Phoebe dumps the bag of Wakewater in the middle of the village, it thaws out one plant* Spade: (Phoebe) Wakewater, I knew we could count on you. Phoebe: ?? That's it? I guess this town will stay frozen until the Crystal of Water shines again. Benjamin: Then we'd better hurry to the Ice Pyramid! *Note: The Cure Potion Salemen is able to sell Cure Potions now* Spade: After one plant has been restored. Kjorteo: Some salesmen can work with ANYTHING. Xaq: Of course. If not, explain how THIS thing sold.. ----- Falls Basin ----- Phoebe: ?? Let's push this out of our way. Spade: (Phoebe) Despite the fact that it's a meaningless pillar-like thing that we can easily walk around. [Fight with Snow Crab] Phoebe: You can use Explosives, right? Here's how to use a Jumbo Bomb. Kjorteo: NO! You don't know who you're dealing with! Xaq: That's it...Phoebe, I hereby bestow upon thee the title of "Absolute Ditz"! (Learned to use Jumbo Bomb!) Spade: At this rate, there won't BE any villages left in this game by the time Ben's through. ----- Ice Pyramid ----- Phoebe: I see a switch in the statue, but I can't reach it. Let's push it with something... Kjorteo: What have you, the forearms of a T-Rex? Statues aren't exactly the deepest things on earth, you know. Ice Golem: Mwa ha! I'm enjoying our little game... Spade: Since when is there a little game? Xaq: I could go for one right now.... *pulls Game Boy out and starts playing Alleyway* *The Ice Golem disappears* Ice Golem: You think you're a Knight, huh? Spade: (Benjamin) No, but my senile guide does. Fwa ha! Take this! [Fight with Ice Golem] *The Water Crystal appears* Phoebe: The Crystal! Kjorteo: (Phoebe) This one's plastic too! Xaq: *Bzzzzyoop!* Ahhh dang it! Just when I think I'm finally gonna be able to keep some of my brain cells, the batteries go dead.... Spade: I think they went dead from being so close to THIS "game".... I'll go back to Aquaria and see if the ice melted. Don't forget to see Grandpa! Spade: (Benjamin) Wait a second, I don't even CARE about your Grandpa! This was all Kaeli's idea! Benjamin: Right. Bye! Spade: She can't wait 2 seconds for Benjamin to get a treasure chest sitting 3 feet away from them? Kjorteo: Well, would YOU want to hang around Benjamin any longer than you absolutely had to? Spade: Point taken. ----- Aquaria ----- -Old Woman: Thanks to you I'm well! -Girl: Spencer is a good friend of Captain Mac's. They're both kind of weird... Xaq: *About to say something* ...ahh, forget it.... -Woman: Aquaria looks best from the top of the Focus Tower. -Phoebe: Thanks! Have you met Grandpa? He's in the tunnel under this house. Kjorteo: (Phoebe) Tell him I said he still can't come out until he apologizes! ----- Spencer's Place ----- Spencer: The ice has melted! How did it happen? Benjamin: Phoebe and I restored the Crystal of Water's light. Spencer: Then you're the Knight in the Prophecy! The shield has found it's owner! Spade: Um...have we been mixing medications again? Xaq: Something tells me those aren't MEDICAL herbs... Benjamin: ?? Spencer: A shield used by a Knight in days gone by. Captain Mac found it. Benjamin: !! Captain Mac! I've heard that name before! Spade: His neverending brilliance fills me to the brim with awe. Spencer: For years Mac's been styding a Prophecy. On his way back from doing some research, the lake dried up and his ship ended up on a rock ledge. Benjamin: !! Spencer: But that's no problem. If we dig from here, we'll be able to reach the ship. Anyway, here's a key. The shield is hidden in the Focus Tower. (Received Venus Key!) Kjorteo: Wait, if it's that simple, couldn't Spencer have gotten the shield himself? Spade: Yes, but we need to follow the really screwed up prophecy for some unknown reason. Spencer: By the way, Fireburg's been having some strong earthquakes lately. Kjorteo: (Spencer) They think it's from the same earth magic that wiped out an entire village near the beginning of this game. Would you happen to KNOW anything about this? -Spencer: There's an underground river here. We have to dig carefully because the ground is thin. Spade: I could make a reference to the plot here, but that would be TOO easy. ----- Focus Tower ----- Guide: Some awful news made Captain Mac race from his home. Kjorteo: (Guide) He was told that the hero was coming to his house, so he'd be in the game if he didn't hightail it. Xaq: Smart guy, that Mac.. Benjamin: ?? Guide: Anyway, seek Reuben in Fireburg. Say, what's this statue for? Spade: Is it possible for the dialogue writers to string together two sentences in a row that even remotely connect? *Guide flies off* Benjamin: It opened! Kjorteo: (Benjamin) Whoa, it happened again! Hmm...doors...opening...naah, there isn't a pattern...it's just coincidence, right? ----- Fireburg ----- -Woman 1: A guy came in saying he could open any lock. -Woman 2: How about buying my Battle Axe for 500 GP? ("Okay!") (Recieved Battle Axe!) -Woman 2: I hope you're happy with the Battle Axe! -Woman 3: Want to listen to this band? -Old Woman: There are tons of monsters in the Mine up north. -Man: A Mask lets you see the monsters through the gas in the Volcano. Kjorteo: You know, if there was gas so thick that you couldn't even see monsters, finding a mask wouldn't be my chief concern. Spade: Unless it's a gas mask, of course. Kjorteo: Right. -Seed Salesman: How about some Seeds? Spade: Hemp? Kjorteo: Yes, hemp seeds for sale in a kid's game. Spade: Well, at least it would have been INTERESTING. -Tristam: Nice to see you again, kid. -Reuben's Mom: The Volcano seemed odd, so my husband Arion climbed it with his friend. Spade: Hold on a second, is *EVERYONE* in this game a complete idiot!? But his buddy freaked out, ran home and locked himself in. Kjorteo: (Arion's friend) The volcano's going to sprout legs and come after me! Mommy! Xaq: Doubt that'd ever happen... Spade: How come? This game's strange enough already. Xaq: Yeah, except that would actually be *INTERESTING*. A boulder is keeping us from saving Arion. Kjorteo: (Benjamin) That bully of a boulder! Let's go beat it up. Benjamin: You're Reuben, huh? Kjorteo: (Reuben) Um...no! I'm a cameo! Well, that's my appearance, I don't have to be in the game anymore. *Whistles innocently* Spade: So he just walked right into the guy's house without ever seeing him before and already they're on a first name basis. Next I suppose he's going to join, right? Kjorteo: Obviously FFMQ is one of those small communities where everyone knows each other, even if the "small community" incorporates the entire world. Have you heard about the Crystal of Fire? Reuben: I can't deal with that now. I've got to help Dad. Benjamin: Well, why don't you let me help you! Spade: (Reuben) Let's see...you have no idea what the situation is, I don't even know you, and I can tell you're a complete idiot. Xaq: (Reuben) And you like to blow villages up. Reuben: He's stuck behind a boulder. There'd be no problem if we had a Mega Grenade, but only Dad's friend can use them. Benjamin: Where's the guy's house? Reuben: In this town, but he's shut himself in. Spade: (Reuben) He was last seen in a hardware store carrying a security blanket, a stuffed animal, measurements for his door, and a list that had "bricks" and "mortar" on it. Benjamin: We'll pay him a visit anyway. Come on! Spade: Just ignore the fact that that's breaking and entering. EVERY RPG good guy has an extensive criminal record. Kjorteo: I thought he just leveled villages, though. Xaq: Arson, 1st degree homicide, reckless behavior...I could go on. (Reuben joined!) -Reuben's Mom: You can't let a monster get the best of you! Xaq: I'm not even going to TRY to figure out why she said that! ----- Fireburg ----- Tristam: What's up? Kjorteo: (Benjamin) Do you have another elixir? One that would cure stupidity? Xaq: I think in this game, that'd pretty much be the Holy Grail.. Benjamin: We went to the house in the pit, but the guy wouldn't let us in. Spade: (Tristam) Did you try saying you're NOT a monster from the mine sent to kill him? Xaq: (Reuben) Yeah, but unfortunately BEN here was the one who said it, and he mistook his voice for that of the Unabomber. Spade: (Tristram) ?? There's a difference? Tristam: You two want in? Then take this. (Received Multi-Key!) Kjorteo: So the guy is so paranoid that seeing a monster in a mine prompted him to run all the way back to his village and lock himself inside, yet it's OK to just get a skeleton key and bust in and start asking questions. Spade: (Benjamin) "Hey, fellow Mine Monsters! This is where the scared little human ran!" Haha, just kidding. So what's up? Arion's friend: I ran when I saw the monsters in the Volcano. A huge boulder fell and trapped Arion...Only a Mega Grenade can free him. Kjorteo: (Benjamin) Mega Grenade? I like the sound of that. Xaq: I wonder if the Prophecy mentioned anything about a brown-haired pyromaniac being responsible for Armageddon.... Benjamin: How do you use one? Kjorteo: Just what Ben needs, knowledge of MORE powerful bombs. Spade: The plot of FFMQ2: You play the role of just some random guy, but you must stop Benjamin from blowing up every location on Earth. Arion's friend: Just throw it! Kjorteo: (Arion's friend) Now don't go spreading the word it's so ridiculously simple, since I'm more popular if people think I'm the only person wise enough to use these things. (Learned to use Mega Grenade!) Spade: (Guide) See? Only the Knight could master use of these explosives after such complicated instructions! Arion's friend: Go through the abandoned Mine to reach the boulder. -Arion's friend: Be careful when you use a Mega Grenade! Kjorteo: (Arion's friend) You could accidentally destroy a village or something! Xaq: Ben? Destroy a village? NEVER! ......well, not accidentally at least. ----- Mine ----- [Fight with Jinn] Reuben: We're close enough to blow up the boulder! Spade: (Reuben) But we have no clue what we're doing, so we probably couldn't do it anyway. Xaq: We'd be so lucky...then maybe the game could just END right here.... Reuben: Dad! Stand back! *Reuben throws a Mega Grenade, the boulder rolls down into a nearby vally* Kjorteo: (Benjamin) Wow! Think there might have been any villages in the way? Reuben: We did it! Spade: (Benjamin) Um...no we didn't. You said we were going to blow the thing up, not send it rolling. Arion: Reuben! I knew you'd save me! Spade: (Arion) Because the guy you're with is such a moron that you're the only valid choice left! Reuben: Please head home to Mom! Arion: Right. You two be careful! Reuben: Benjamin, let's return to Fireburg. ----- Sealed Temple ----- Guide: Do you have 10 GP for a cup of coffee? Xaq: It's times like that make me wanna...what's the word.. Spade: Cry? Xaq: Keel over. *The Guide flies off* Spade: Well THAT was relevant.... Kjorteo: And of course, every successful panhandler knows the secret to getting money is to fly off before they can give it to you. ----- Fireburg ----- -Woman: Captain Mac went somewhere from a dock near Windia. -Reuben's Mom: Thanks, Arion made it back. -Arion: I forgot to tell you. Spade: (Arion) You're adopted and I don't like you. Kjorteo: (Reuben) Aww, and I thought the fact that I'm older than you and mom put together was just a coincidence. The Crystal of Fire is in the Lava Dome! Kjorteo: (Arion) So you might want to save it so your crazy little guide will stop bugging you. Xaq: Kjorteo, you know they'd never make a remark THAT intelligent in this game.. ----- Volcano ----- [Fight with Medusa] Spade: Wait, that's it!? Xaq: Thank Mog that's ALL there was! Kjorteo: The most profound conversations always happen in the caves or dungeons or whatever they are. Spade: Well, hey, it's an improvement over actually listening to this game's dialogue, right? ----- Lava Dome ----- Dualhead Hydra: It's the end of the line for you! Xaq: We'd be so lucky. [Fight with Dualhead Hydra] Benjamin: We did it! There's one Crystal left to go! Reuben: I remember a person from Windia saying something about a Crystal... Spade: (Benjamin) I remeber some crazy old guy on a cloud saying something about a Crystal. That's probably just as helpful. Benjamin: Windia? Where's that? Xaq: Oh, that just FILLS me with confidence! G'night. *falls asleep* Reuben: To the southeast of the Focus Tower... *Explosion sound* Xaq: *Wakes up* GAH!! What happened? Did Benjamin blow up Fireburg or something? Spade: Surprisingly, this time it WASN'T his fault. Benjamin: !! Xaq: (Ben) Funny, I didn't do anything yet... Reuben: !! *Lava Dome erupts, magma melts mountains and clears a path to some more Battlefields* ----- Fireburg ----- -Arion: After that eruption the earthquakes stopped. Spade: (Reuben) Yeah, that's because I'm keeping a closer eye on Benjamin now. And there won't be ANY more volcanic eruptions, GOT IT? Kjorteo: (Benjamin) *URRK* -Man: Mac told us that a Knight would save us, and it was you! Xaq: That'll teach YOU to believe a guy who gets in trouble for forgetting his Cap.... ----- Focus Tower ----- Benjamin: It opened! Xaq: He's really amazed with doors that do that, isn't he? Guide: Hurry to Windia, but be on the lookout for Captain Mac's ship! Spade: (Guide) Hey, by using the word "hurry", I created supsense and excitement! ...Well, not really, but it was worth a shot.... *Guide flies off* ----- Rope Bridge ----- *A monster appears* Monster: Gotcha! Reuben: Step back, Benjamin, and leave this filty monster to me! *Fight, Reuben falls off the bridge* Spade: Proves how powerful Reuben is without this "Knight" loser, huh? [Fight with Mummy] Benjamin: Reuben! Reuben: I'm all right! Keep going, and I'll catch up! Kjorteo: (Reuben) SUCKER!! Spade: (Reuben) Now, while the camera is on him, I'll subtly slip back into obscurity and not be in this game anymore!! *Tristam walks up* Tristam: Your buddy fell, kid? Benjamin: Yes, but he's okay. Tristam: All right, then I'll tag along with you for a bit. (Tristam joined!) Kjorteo: This is the most profound joining scene YET.. Xaq: ...Just what the heck was Tristam doing there, anyway!? ----- Alive Forest ----- Benjamin: So you're the King of this forest, huh? Let us through! *Nothing happens* Benjamin: ?? Tristam: I don't think it likes you! Spade: Can you blame it? How about Kaeli? Can't she talk to trees? Kjorteo: How the heck does he know Kaeli!? Xaq: They probably tried to make us think Ben said something about her during the Elixer ordeal. Benjamin: Yeah! She must be in Aquaria by now... ----- Aquaria ----- Phoebe: Kaeli's sleeping. Why don't you talk to Grandpa until she wakes up? Spade: (Ben) Cuz he's afraid I'll blow his tunnel up. ----- Spencer's Place ----- Benjamin: How's the tunnel going? Spade: (Spencer) Just great! I'm on the edge of this game...soon I'll break through and tunnel my way to FREEDOM!! Can you save Captain Mac and his ship? Kjorteo: (Spencer) Oh...um...yeah, that's what I meant. Spencer: I can't dig that far! Kjorteo: Then why did you start this in the first place? We need Otto's help. He's in Windia. By the way, who's that with you? Spade: More perfectly continuous flowing dialogue, I see. Tristam: Tristam at your service. I'm a treasure hunter. Spencer: You don't say. Listen, I recently heard a rumor about some amazing armor... Tristam: Let's go! Kjorteo: Never have I seen such dedication to saving a man. Tristam: Sorry, Benjamin, I'm going treasure hunting with him. Spade: (Tristam) It's far more entertaining than costarring in THIS piece of trash with YOU. Later! Benjamin: Tristam! Spencer! *Tristam fires the Dragon Claw* Tristam: I almost forgot. I'll give you this Dragon Claw. Don't worry, it's on me. Bye! (Received Dragon Claw!) Kjorteo: So Tristam's goal in life is to find treasure so he can give it to people for no reason? Xaq: Since when has reason been a factor in this? *Phoebe walks up* Phoebe: Grandpa just won't slow down! Well, maybe I'll use a bomb to move this dirt. Spade: Anyone who DOESN'T adhere to the "everyone in this game is a complete idiot" philosophy by now can quietly step away from this script and check into Charter.... Benjamin: Phoebe, you shouldn't fiddle with that... Kjorteo: (Benjamin) Using high-powered explosives to completely flatten things is MY job!! *Explosion sound effect* *Phoebe runs out of the room at top speed, Benjamin follows* *They get out just in time to see that room cave in* Spade: Simply brilliant. I'm sure Captain Mac is thanking his lucky stars for being in the hands of such capable rescuers. Kjorteo: If he hasn't been killed by hat demons already, that is. Phoebe: The tunnel collapsed! I have to tell Grandpa. Kjorteo: (Phoebe) I'll just blame it on you. It sounds more credible anyway. Xaq: I know *I'D* believe it.. Take care of Kaeli for me! *Phoebe walks off* ----- Aquaria ----- Benjamin: Kaeli! You're well! Kjorteo: (Kaeli) Yep, all better...EEK! No! Wait! I mean...um...*moaaaaaan* no, I'm still too sick to join you.... Kaeli: Yes, but did you hear about my Dad? Benjamin: Yeah, Spencer told me. He said I should see Otto in Windia, and I was hoping you'd come too. (Kaeli Joined!) Kjorteo: Well SHE sure put up a fight!! Xaq: Poor girl must still be delirious to be going with him *again*.. ----- Alive Forest ----- Kaeli: Oh great tree spirit of the forest, please let us through to Windia! Elder Tree: I'll let you through if you can whack the monsters inside of me. Spade: Eww.... Xaq: *Leaves* Benjamin: If that's the way you want it! Spade: (Benjamin) I guess I don't mind monsters, and I haven't gotten any since before this game started, so.... ----- Giant Tree ----- Spade: (Benjamin) Well, I guess I'd better get started. *Ahem* Say, aren't you a cutie? Care for a drink? [Fight with Gidrah] Kjorteo: They must have spliced a fight in over the REAL next scene in order to keep this a kid's game. Elder Tree: I am grateful to you for beating those monsters! Allow me to carry you! Spade: (Kaeli) Good idea...I think Benjamin is too tired to walk by now. *Note: The trees in the background in the riding sequence spell out "GO ON KID!!"* Kjorteo: Tristam's been gardening!? Spade: That must be how he got to know Kaeli. Xaq: *Walks back in* Popcorn anyone? ----- Kaidge Temple ----- Guide: Captain Mac will tell you about the Prophecy. *Guide flies off* Xaq: I'm not even gonna BOTHER with that one. ----- Windia ----- -Woman 1: Where's Norma? Have you seen her? Spade: (Benjamin) Last I saw, she was running to Spencer's Place screaming "I don't want to be in this game! I'll help with the tunnel!!" -Woman 2: How about buying my Cupid Locket for 300 GP? ("Okay!") (Bought Cupid Locket!) Xaq: 300 bucks for a locket!? Who wrote these prices, Starbucks? -Woman 2: I hope you're happy with the Cupid Locket! -Man: Otto built the tower up north, but Pazuzu invaded it. -Girl: Just can't go out and play in this wind. -Boy: I love climbing on the roof, but in this wind? No way! -Old Woman: If only the wind would stop. Then I could gather seeds again. -Old Man: The Mobius Crest is buried in Spencer's Place. If we had it we could reach the Ship Dock from here. -Benjamin: What the...? A Chocobo!! Kjorteo: Aww, now I'm REALLY insulted by this game. Benjamin: Excuse me, are you Otto? Otto: Later, later... Benjamin: ?? Kjorteo: (Otto) Right now, I'm Bob. Otto won't take over for another hour or so. Otto: My daughter Norma went to the Tower up north using my Rainbow Road. But the powerful wind from Mt. Gale broke the road-making machine. Norma's stuck there until the winds die down. Kaeli: Benjamin, let's keep on going. The Crystal of Wind might be in that mountain. -Otto: Promise me you'll stop that wind! Xaq: Seems like someone should've eased off the burritos.. ----- Mount Gale ----- Benjamin: So you're the one who's draining the Crystal of Wind's power! Dullahan: Nah, it's Pazuzu. Kjorteo: Whoa!! Benjamin makes a complete wild guess with no prior knowledge of anything, and DOESN'T somehow get it dead-on anyway!? Spade: There goes the game's perfect no-sense streak. But of course the REST of the game is screwed up enough to make up for this. Xaq: Whaddya mean? The fact that this guy just blurted out who's responsible for what's going on made no sense whatsoever! But you'll never meet him! [Fight with Dullahan] Xaq: .....Well, I can see where the "dull" in "Dullahan" came from anyway. ----- Windia ----- *Note: The winds have died down* -Boy: You can see for ever! Kjorteo: (Boy) Now that the wind isn't blocking your view and all. -Girl: It's great when the wind calms like this. Spade: (Girl) Because my idiot brother thinks he's blind whenever it picks up. Otto: The wind has suddenly stopped. I'll try to make the Rainbow Road! *Otto goes upstairs, thunder-like sound effect is heard, Otto comes back down* Otto: It worked! Benjamin: Otto, we're going to save Norma and the Crystal! Otto: Wait! Spade: (Otto) Just the crystal! Norma is a brat. In the Tower, you'll see switches on even-numbered floors. Flick the switches with your Axe. Then the elevator won't go past that floor! -Otto: Please bring my daughter back! ----- Pazuzu's Tower ----- Benjamin: Are you Norma? Norma: I was so afraid no one would find me, but now I can go home! Benjamin: Your Dad's waiting for you. *Norma leaves* Kjorteo: (Guide) See!? Only the Knight could find someone roughly 10 feet away and talk to them! ----- Windia ----- -Otto: The wind won't stop until you save the Crystal of Wind! Kjorteo: Um...I thought it already stopped. Spade: Doesn't every other game involve you saving the Crystal of Wind *BECAUSE* the wind stopped? -Norma: Thank you! ----- Pazuzu's Tower ----- Pazuzu: I was waiting for you, you little beasts! Spade: (Benjamin) That's "bestialists". You were close, though. Kjorteo: (Kaeli) Hey, wait, *I* had nothing to do with this!! *Pazuzu disappears* Pazuzu: Mwa ha! You can't catch me! *Pazuzu disappears* Pazuzu: Playtime's over! Prepare to meet your doom! And you can forget about Captain Mac! Kjorteo: (Pazuzu) Just like Spencer and Tristam!! Benjamin: !! [Fight with Pazuzu] *Crystal appears* Kjorteo: (Benjamin) Another plastic one!! Spade: Who got the bargain basement props for this game, anyway? Kjorteo: I'm guessing the same person who got the bargain basement script. ----- Windia ----- -Woman: You did it! At last the World's saved! -Man: Has Captain Mac come back? Otto: We still have Captain Mac to worry about. Spencer said you'd help... Kjorteo: (Otto) Because he's too much of a lazy #^!@ to do it and he was drunk enough that the Guide's constant rambling on about a Knight started to make sense. *Reuben walks up* Kjorteo: (Reuben) Hey all! Told ya I'd catch up! Guess I missed being in your party for a while, huh? Darn! Oh well. Dum de dum dum.... Benjamin: Reuben! Are you okay? Spade: (Reuben) Well, I landed on my head pretty hard. That's why I actually came back to you when I had a chance of getting out of this game. Reuben: Yeah! And guess what I found when I fell? A stairway to the top of the Focus Tower! Benjamin: Stairway?! ?? Kjorteo: Yeah. See, you take a gradual slope, and turn it into a stepped pattern so that you can more easily get from one height to another...it's an amazing invention, really. Otto: I've got it! If we refill the dry lake, we can save Captain Mac! Spade: (Benjamin) Uh...what the hell does that have to do with ANYTHING we were just talking about, pray tell? Kjorteo: (Otto) Well, I'm Otto now...you don't expect me to keep up on a conversation you were having with Bob, do you? Benjamin: How? Otto: Go to Spencer's tunnel. Set a bomb there, and the water from the Upper Lake will spill into the dry lake! Kjorteo: Isn't that what Phoebe tried? Spade: No, she blew the tunnel up for the sheer heck of it. Ben and Reuben will actually have some sort of purpose in mind. Xaq: That and Ben actually knows how to HANDLE explosives for such purposes.... Benjamin: But Spencer's tunnel has caved in. Otto: There is one way...If you power the Rainbow Road Machine with Thunder Rock, you can reach Spencer's Place! Reuben: Dad will know about this! Benjamin: Kaeli, would you take care of Norma? Reuben and I know the Focus Tower well, so we'll be back from Fireburg in no time. Kaeli: Of course. (Reuben joined!) -Otto: Reuben, keep your eyes on the Rope Bridge, and say hello to Arion! Kjorteo: (Reuben) Hey, SHUT UP!! It's not my fault!! @#^%!@# monster.... Xaq: I figured he'd be grateful for a chance to get away from Benjamin.. -Kaeli: Please help my Dad! ----- Fireburg ----- Benjamin: Arion, have you ever heard of Thunder Rock? Arion: Of course! Wait a second. Arion: Here. Take it. (Received Thunder Rock!) Xaq: No wonder Reuben said his dad would know about it....and here silly me was thinking they'd have to go AFTER it.. -Arion: OK, knock 'em out! ----- Windia ----- Otto: Found some Thunder Rock, huh? Spade: (Benjamin) No, we're just back to bug you for no reason. Yes, we found some Thunder Rock, Otto!! Kjorteo: (Otto) Bob. *Otto goes upstairs, thunder-like sound effect is heard, Otto comes back down* Otto: Power up completed! Now you can go to Spencer's Place! ----- Spencer's Place ----- Reuben: Let's blow that area up with a Mega Grenade. *Reuben throws a Mega Grenade, the lake refills, Mac's ship floats over to Ship Dock* Benjamin: We did it! Reuben: Let's tell Kaeli. Kjorteo: They got the Thunder Rock by just talking to someone, and refilled the lake just by visiting Spencer's Place and watching a cutscene? Spade: Obviously even the programmers don't care about the game anymore. They must be trying to speed up the process of getting to the end. ----- Windia ----- Benjamin: It worked! The ship is afloat. Kaeli: Thanks. I'll head there now! Benjamin: But the ship's full of monsters. Let us go first. Kaeli: Give this Captain Cap to Dad when you find him. Then he'll know I'm coming. (Received Captain Cap!) Kjorteo: *Impersonating online help guide or instruction manual* Captain Cap. Special type of Helmet. Protects against Hat Demon-elemental attacks. -Otto: Thanks to you the lake is as beautiful as ever! ----- Ship Dock ----- Kjorteo: Again, without no fight or anything whatsoever. Spade: See? The programmers are as tired of this thing as we are by now. Xaq: Don't tell me you're SURPRISED... Mac: Is...Isn't th...that my Captain Cap?! Kjorteo: (Mac) At last! Now, then...BACK, FOUL HAT DEMONS!! Benjamin: Kaeli asked us to give it to you. Are you okay? Mac: !! *Kaeli walks up* Kaeli: Dad! I was worried about you. You look awful... Spade: (Mac) Shut up, it's not my fault the graphics in this game are about as good as the story. Mac: I'm...okay, but I have some bad news... Kjorteo: (Mac) You still have one more dungeon/final battle thing to go through before the game ends.... Xaq: **DOH!!!!** The Dark King...Prophecy... Benjamin: ?? Kaeli: Dad, tell us about the Prophecy later! Let's cure your wounds in Windia first. Mac: But... *Kaeli grabs Mac and walks off* *Reuben staggers, falls down, and gets back up* Spade: (Reuben) Darned ostioarthritis... Benjamin: !! Reuben: I'm okay. I guess I haven't recovered from that fall off the bridge. Benjamin: Reuben! Let's go to Windia and put you to bed! ----- Ship Dock ----- *Spencer and Tristam walk up* Spencer: There you are! Kjorteo: (Benjamin) ACK! For once in my entire life, I DIDN'T DO IT!! Benjamin: Spencer! Phoebe's been looking for you. Spencer: I met her at the Inn in Windia, and how she wants to see you. Spencer: We're done here. Let's go! Tristam: Right! See you again, kid! Spade: (Spencer) Oh, and thanks for taking care of Captain Mac. As you can see, I just don't care anymore, so I'm glad that you finished the job. Kjorteo: (Benjamin) Grr.... *Spencer and Tristam walk off* ----- Windia ----- Benjamin: Reuben's hurt! *Reuben staggers, falls down, and gets back up* Kjorteo: (Benjamin) See? Phoebe: I'm surprised you made it here with such a bad wound! Off to bed with you. *Reuben walks up the stairs to the beds, staggering, falling down, and getting up along the way* Spade: (Phoebe) There must be some really bigtime bars in Fireburg. How long were you guys there again? Phoebe: Benjamin, you need to hear Mac's news. You're not going to like it... Xaq: There's PLENTY about this game I don't like. (Phoebe joined!) Spade: Notice how it's progressed to the point where Ben doesn't even ASK people anymore. Kjorteo: (Programmer) Dialogue for getting Phoebe back into the party...ahh screw it.... Benjamin: What can be so important? Mac: I've discovered a lost part of the Prophecy. Benjamin: ?? Spade: (Benjamin) If it's anything like the REST of the Prophecy, it's not important. Mac: "The one behind the 4 is darker than the night, and rises midst the land." Spade: Told ya. You've saved the Crystals, but our real enemy is the Dark King. Kjorteo: OUR real enemy is the person who wrote this script. Xaq: And just how the heck did Mac know who the prophecy was talking about!? He's in the Focus Tower. Reach the Tower with my ship. Stand by the steering wheel and press the A Button. Kjorteo: It's right in the middle of the wheel...my crew keeps getting it confused for a horn. -Mac: I owe that Dark King one... -Kaeli: Dad will return to Foresta when he's feeling better. -Reuben: Ouch! Don't touch me. *Note: The final part of Focus Tower is called Doom Castle* ----- Doom Castle ----- [Fight with Skullrus Rex] ----- Focus Tower ----- Benjamin: It opened! Kjorteo: (Benjamin) Geez, it happened AGAIN!! This is either another coincidence or something too confusing for me to figure out. Anyway, onward! ----- Doom Castle ----- [Fight with Stone Golem] [Fight with Twinhead Wyvern] [Fight with Zuh] Kjorteo: That must be the programmer's last-ditch effort to disguise the fact that even they don't care anymore. Statue: Benjamin, Phoebe, Knights of Light...We Crystals now entrust you with our power. *Blockades disappear* Xaq: No, THAT was their last-ditch effort to disguise the fact that even they don't care anymore. Benjamin: Dark King, we meet at last... Dark King: Indeed, and now you will serve me... Benjamin: I don't think so! We won't allow you to ruin our World. Kjorteo: (Benjamin) That's my job! And I use bombs, not evil magic! You must die! Dark King: Alas, silly humans, I must share a terrible secret! That Prophecy? Ages ago I started that rumor! Spade: Ahh yes, the classic Prophecy. What did it take you to think of it? Nine drinks? Ten? Kjorteo: (Benjamin) I *KNEW* those crystals were plastic!! Welcome to the power of Darkness! [Fight with Dark King, Dark King form (Basically, an evil-looking king-type figure.)] Dark King: How amusing! Is that all you can muster? Kjorteo: Well, this *IS* /BENJAMIN/ we're talking about. Xaq: Given that argument you'd think he would've just set a few charges at the base of the Focus Tower and said "That's that!" [Fight with Dark King, Weapons Master form (Evil king figure, with 8 arms, each holding a weapon.)] Grrr...Now see what I really am! Xaq: A big sissy with a pitifully small number of weapons? Yeah, I see that.. Spade: SMALL number? Are you kidding? Kjorteo: Don't forget that in AoS3 we made a whole alternate dimention just to store all of Xaq's weapons, so he could be a bit biased there. [Fight with Dark King, Giant Spider form (A giant spidar with the evil king figure's head, that takes up the whole screen.)] *Note: No between-form dialogue here, it just passes right on to the last form* Xaq: FINALLY he shuts up! [Fight with Dark King, Mastermind form (Picture a giant spider with tentacles instead of legs.)] Benjamin: Yes, yes!! We defeated the Dark King! Phoebe: At last! It's all over! Spade: My thoughts exactly. *The Guide appears, and turns into a Crystal* Crystal: Disguised as a human I, the Crystal of Light, have guided you. Spade: (Benjamin) Um...no, you haven't. Kjorteo: (Benjamin, with british accent) Excuse me, my good fellow, but I do find reason to question your use of the word "guided" in this sentence.... Evil can't thrive if you keep hope alive, use your courage, and respect your World. A bright future awaits you now. Spade: After this game, a carrer changing urinal mints seems like a bright future. Go, and enjoy all the World has to offer. Benjamin: Thank you! Kjorteo: (Benjamin) for absolutely NOTHING! You were the worst guide *EVER!!* ----- Windia ----- Otto: Benjamin! You say the Dark King was the problem, and you beat him?! Kjorteo: (Benjamin) Actually, I didn't say anything. I just barely walked into the room. Xaq: But hey, Tristam knew about Kaeli, so why not let Otto...or Bob...or whoever...know about the Dork King? Benjamin: But of course! Say, what's become of Reuben and Captain Mac? Otto: They're fine! They've already headed home. Benjamin: Great! Sometime I'll drop by and say "Hi!" Xaq: How 'bout dropping dead and not saying anything instead? ----- Foresta ----- *Kaeli jumps in the air* Spade: (Kaeli) NO! NOT YOU AGAIN! I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS GAME ANYMORE! HELP!! Xaq: Ahh... *I* wanted to do that one! Kaeli: You're safe! What are you going to do now? Kjorteo: (Benjamin) I'm going to Disneyworld! Xaq: *Rimshot* Spade: Don't you think that one was a bit obvious? Kjorteo: Well hey, the setup practically BEGGED for it.... Benjamin: Hey, maybe you can answer that. Mac, how about lending me that ship? I need a little more adventure in my life... Spade: (Benjamin) Seeing as how this one completely sucked and all. Kaeli: !! *Kaeli looks depressed* Xaq: How can you tell? These characters have absolutely NO facial expressions..or even MOUTHS for that matter. Benjamin: Don't worry, Kaeli! Mac: Alright. But let me see if it's still seaworthy. Kaeli's Mom: Don't forget your Cap again! Spade: (Mac) SHUT UP! That wasn't called for, you know. ----- Spencer's Place ----- Benjamin: Spencer! You still digging? Kjorteo: (Benjamin) Captain Mac was already saved a while ago, you idiot!! Spencer: Yep. All because of you guys! Kjorteo: Um.........don't follow. Spade: He must mean that since Phoebe blew up the place, he's got to re-dig this part. Xaq: Still........ **WHY!??** Benjamin: Anybody seen Tristam? Spencer: That jerk...He's gone treasure hunting again! Benjamin: Well, tell him I said "Hi." Spade: (Spencer) Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. HE'S GONE TREASURE HUNTING AGAIN!! How should I know where he is!? ----- Fireburg ----- Reuben: How's it going? Benjamin: Reuben! Couldn't be better! Spade: (Benjamin) The game is going to end soon! Celebrate!! Reuben: Why don't we hang out in this town? Benjamin: No way! I'm off for more adventure in Captain Mac's ship. Spade: (Benjamin) I've got villages to destroy! Monsters to...er...whack! Reuben: At least let me see you off! Xaq: I could say something right there, but it'd be TOO easy.. ----- Ship Dock ----- *Note: Kaeli, Reuben, Spencer, Arion, either Reuben's or Kaeli's mom (they used the same character for both and only one of them is there, so I can't tell which one it is), Norma's mom, Norma, Otto, and Captain Mac are there* Captain Mac: The ship's better than new! Benjamin: Thanks, Mac. Kjorteo: Fun fact for the day: Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest was filmed on location in downtown Brooklyn. Norma's Mom: Three cheers for Captain Benjamin! Otto: Wait until you see my next invention! Kjorteo: (Otto) A cure for schizophrenia! Bob's helping too! Xaq: Funny, I figured it was gonna be something like the wheel.. Norma: Can you come over again? Xaq: Uhh...did she lose her mind or something? Spade: Must have to in order to agree to be in THIS.. Arion: Have a good trip! Reuben's or Kaeli's Mom (?): Do it up while you're young! Xaq: (Ben) What, the monster I left caged down in the hold? Okay! Reuben: I think I've had all the adventure I can stand! Spade: And I'd rather fall off Rope Bridge and land on my head again than spend one more second costarring with YOU, so.... Spencer: How about taking me along? You'll need an expert treasure hunter! Kjorteo: (Spencer) And the tunnel is gone, so I want to SAIL my way to freedom! Xaq: Man, this guy just can't concentrate on ANYTHING, can he!? One second he's digging, the next he's treasure hunting.. and then he's digging the tunnel again even though he doesn't NEED to anymore! *Phoebe leaves your party and joins the crowd* Phoebe: !! You don't know what you're saying, Grandpa! Phoebe: You'll be back in no time. See the World for me! Kjorteo: (Benjamin) Destroy the world for you? OK! Bwahahaha.... Spade: (Phoebe) No, no, I said SEE-- Kjorteo: (Benjamin) LALALALALA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, LALALALALA.... Xaq: (Phoebe) OK, then.... *Fires a round from the Bow of Grace into Ben's crotch* Kaeli: We're going to miss you. Kjorteo: (Everyone else) Um...speak for yourself, dear.... *Kaeli reaches out for Benjamin* *Benjamin walks up a few steps, and turns around to face the crowd* Benjamin: I'm going to miss you, too. Farewell! *Benjamin boards the ship, Kaeli and Phoebe walk up a few steps, scene fades out* Spade: (Kaeli) I saw him first, b**ch! *Slap* Xaq: (Phoebe) He's mine, you little wh**e! *Slap* ----- Ship ----- Benjamin: ?? Kjorteo: (Benjamin) Now how do I use this thing again? The wheel isn't working, so...oh, wait, the A Button!! There we go. Xaq: Strange how EVERYTHING has a button on it that you have to hit to perform even the most basic bodily functions.... Spade: Would that mean that Ben had to hit the X button 3 times in the battle with Gidrah? *Tristam walks up* Benjamin: What are you doing here? Spade: (Tristam) I found that amazing armor and I need to fulfill my role of finding treasure and giving it away for no reason. Here you go. Xaq: Poor Tristam....he probably doesn't realize there's no way of getting out of there NOW.. Tristam: I can't resist it when I hear about an adventure...I'm going to keep an eye on you, kid. Benjamin: That's Benjamin, you nut! ----- THE END ----- Xaq: **FINALLY!!!!** Kjorteo: (Narrator) Epilogue: Kaeli was summarily executed for actually liking Benjamin. Normally her parents would have tried to intervene, but due to the heinousness of the crime, they were actually the ones that did it. Benjamin and Tristam got their wish of finding real adventure when they sailed all the way across the FFMQ border into a REAL FF, but were unprepared for the concept of monsters that actually put up a challenge, and thus both were killed when they were ambushed by an Imp. Everyone else threw a worldwide "Ben is Gone" party that was so big that it literally ended the world as they knew it for about a week. They lived happily ever after once the mass hangovers went away. ----- CREDITS ----- STORY: CHIHIRO FUJIOKA DIRECTOR: KOZU IDE EVERYONE ELSE: A BUNCH OF OTHER PEOPLE WHO DID STUFF Kjorteo: I didn't think it was important for you to know who the Monster Animator or things like that were, but I think the plot writer gets a special nod, as does the director because directors generally oversee the whole project. ;-) Spade: (Dragnet impersonation) Chihiro Fujioka was put on trial for global assault and battery for punishing us all with a story so bad that it even did physical damage to people who viewed it. Kozu Ide was also charged as an accomplice. In a moment, the results of that trial. Xaq: I dunno about you guys, but I think I'm gonna be in rehab for a while after this one. Now if you'll excuse me.... *bolts out the door so fast it shatters, raving like a madman* KJORTEO: KJORTEO XAQ: XAQ SHENOR KUMO: KUMO ATSUREKI SPADE: CK AND XAQ TAKING TURNS CONTROLLING Spade: To all our readers: You really should feel sorry for Kjorteo. He actually had to play through the game, talk to everyone, and pay careful attention in order to get a complete transcript. Kjorteo: It was all worth it.... *FLOP* ----- THAT'S IT. THAT'S THE END OF THE MST. DOES YOUR LIFE FEEL MORE COMPLETE NOW? THOUGHT SO. ----- ----- REALLY. THAT'S THE END. STOP READING THIS. ----- ----- **GO DO SOMETHING ELSE!!** -----