/*******************************************\ ** MST of StarTropics II: Zoda's Revenge ** ** ** ** Written entirely by Kjorteo Kalante ** ** ©2003 ** \*******************************************/ Kjorteo: Welcome once again to one of my lovely MSTs. Allow me to introduce the usual cast...or let the usual cast speak for themselves. Either way. Orin: Hello. I am Orin the Adventurer. I was the star of Kjorteo's obscure QBasic game "Colosseum." Of the three MSTers, I am most likely to delve into perverted sex and/or drug references. Spade: Hello. I am Emperor Spade. I was the antagonist of Kjorteo's obscure ZZT game "Adventure of Sam." I will more than likely still be the antagonist when Kjorteo eventually decides to remake that game. I am enslaved by him and forced to do these MSTs because he is specifically trying to make me miserable. Thus, I will be the one most likely to use dripping sarcasm and scathingly bitter venom. Kjorteo: And as always, I am Kjorteo Kalante, the leader of the party. My specialty is the purely silly jokes, pointing out gramatical errors, and other miscellany. Of course, any of us three can venture into any field, but these are basically our specialties. Orin: So, Kjorteo, what are we doing this time? Kjorteo: Remember when we did StarTropics? I particularly enjoyed that one, because it was actually a good game; it's just that its dialogue had it coming. Well, I decided that StarTropics II would be a perfect game to MST, as its dialogue is so horrendously bad that it actually blasphemes the original StarTropics. Spade: That's possible? Kjorteo: Believe it or not, yes. And that is why we shall destroy it. Spade: ..Joy. Orin: Um...OK. Anyway, let us be off, then. ========== [NOTE: I actually proofread the punctuation in this game. While I left the actual text intact, I didn't try as hard to preserve the punctuation and formatting. In the original StarTropics transcript and MST, the dialogue looked something like this: * HELLO, MIKE * I WENT TO THE STORE TODAY * I BOUGHT SOME STUFF I would try as hard as I could to leave it like that, just to point out its poor formatting. However, this time around, I've decided that it simply wasn't worth it. Thus, I proofread the punctuation and formatting, adding periods at the ends of distinct thoughts, and things like that. In this transcript and MST, the same comment will read more like this: Villager: Hello, Mike. I went to the store today. I bought some stuff. Apologies if my messing with the text in this way somehow offends you, but I found that it makes it much easier to transcribe, and easier still to pick apart and MST. Anyway, now you know.] ========== STARTROPICS II ZODA'S REVENGE (tm) (c) 1994 Nintendo PUSH START (If you wait long enough, it shifts to a scene of a book, which opens up as the camera zooms in. Once the pages take up the entire screen, stuff randomly gets printed on them.) -THE CAST- MIKE JONES: A junior in High School and the hero of our story. A short time ago, Mike went on an incredible journey. --- Kjorteo: Believing himself to be abandoned by his family in a strange barn, he joined other talking animals and braved the wild outback to return home. --- It began as a vacation to the south seas...and it became a big adventure. Mike managed to save his uncle and seven space children from evil aliens. --- Orin: He then stole the time-travelling marshmallow peep from the dragon and used it to fight Thomas Jefferson. After that, he decided to not use LSD ever again. --- A few months have passed. Mike is now in school and everything seems back to normal.... --- Kjorteo: Ever since Mike actually enrolled in school, the "banana in ear" incidents have lowered dramatically. --- DR. JONES: Mike's uncle and a famous scientist. Dr. J found the escape pod of the seven space children while he was exploring some lost ruins in the south seas. He's now at his state-side lab, trying to decode the strange cipher which he found on the escape pod. Once he does decode the cipher, our hero, Mike, could likely find himself in the midst of another adventure.... --- Spade: Yeah, only he actually already solved it. You know, in StarTropics I. It had that story of the space kids fleeing Zoda before he destroyed Argonia, remember? --- MICA: The oldest of the space children. Mica is the daughter of Hirocon, the leader of Argonia. Mica and the others were sent away by Hirocon to escape Zoda. She has the leadership qualities of her father, as well as some newly discovered powers of a mystical nature. --- Spade: Mica had no role in StarTropics I except to get hungry at the thought of a banana cream pie, and Hirocon wasn't even in the game at all. Where are they pulling all this crap from? Orin: You seem to have a unhealthy interest in preserving the integrity of the original StarTropics. Spade: ... ... ...Shut up. --- As Mike is sent on his journey, it is Mica who will send him important information from home.... --- Kjorteo: Oh, Mica's going to be token character who says extraordinarily useless things between levels. Got it. --- (You hit start and enter your name and all that good stuff, and the actual game starts) -CHAPTER 1- (It opens up with a cutscene of a Mike standing next to a brick wall and a blue sky, with calm but cheery "Everything is normal" music playing.) Mike: Hi, I'm Mike. How've you been?... --- Spade: My life is a hollow lie. --- That's good. --- Spade: Fuck you too. Asshole. --- I'm back in Seattle. Do you remember my uncle? --- Kjorteo: He collects shiny things. --- YES: Mike: Yeah, Dr.J, the tropical archaeologist! NO: Mike: Maybe you should read the manual to understand. --- Orin: I get disturbing mental images of him handing out pamphlets entitled "My Uncle" to anyone who walks by. --- My uncle is Dr.Jones, the tropical archaeologist! We call him "Dr.J." Mike: Now he's in Seattle, busy decoding the rest of that cipher from the tropics. He spends all his time reading like crazy, trying to break the code. --- Kjorteo: No, no, no. If you want to find the snake people, you solarize extremely zoomed in pictures in PhotoShop. The Bible Code is soo yesterday's news. --- (With a trippy sound effect, a vision of Mica's head suddenly appears in the background sky.) Mica: Mike, can you hear me? Mike, can you hear me? --- Kjorteo: (Mica) Mike, can you hear me? Spade: (Mikebeth) Had I three ears, I'd hear thee. --- * You shout... Mike: Whoaa?! Mica...Mica? Where are you!? * No answer from Mica.... Mica: Mike! Pick up the phone! Just kidding...I'm using telepathy! --- Orin: That sounds suspiciously like an answer to me. --- * You shout... Mike: Telepathy...?! Wow, too cool! --- Spade: (Mica) You know, the neat thing about telepathy is that you don't have to shout. --- Mica: Mike, remember my father, Hirocon, leader of the lost planet of Argonia? He spoke to me in a dream... "Was it a cat I saw? Was it a rat I saw?" I wonder what it means.... I can't talk any more today. That's all for now, Mike.... (The image of Mica's head suddenly disappears, with that trippy sound effect again.) --- Orin: (Mike) Damn, I thought I gave the psychadelic stuff up. --- Mike: Mica! Wait! Disconnected...?! Was it a cat I saw? Was it a rat I saw? Hmm. I'd better ask Dr.J. --- Spade: (Dr.J) No, it was Mica, you moron. Now go away. --- (The scene changes to a picture of Dr. J sitting at a cluttered desk. There are huge stacks of books to his left and right, and two pieces of paper right in front of him. He has his eyes closed, with a facial expression looking like he's trying to brainstorm. An animated ? blinks in and out around his head.) Dr.J: I'm busy...very very busy! Tough! Tough! Very tough! This cipher is tough! Hmm...maybe...well...getting warmer...?! Almost...!?! No.... I'm busy...very very busy! * You shout... Mike: Dr.J...! Uncle Steve...! --- Kjorteo: (Dr.J) Mike, I'm actually one person, remember? --- Dr.J: Oh Mike, it's you! --- Kjorteo: (Mike) How are you gentlemen!! All y*THWACK* ow. Orin: Bad dog! Have you no shame!? --- What are you doing here? * You tell the story... Mike: Mica blah blah Hirocon blah said blah cat blah rat I saw. --- Spade: (Dr.J) Mike, according to the intro, you're in school now. Haven't they taught you how to talk yet? --- Dr.J: Hmm...Hirocon said, "Was it a cat I saw? Was it a rat I saw?" "?Was I tac a ti saw ?Was i Tar a ti saw." Get it? NO: Dr.J: Was it a cat I saw? Was it a rat I saw? Wasitacatisaw Wasitaratisaw. Wasitacati saw Wasitarati saw. Wasitaca ti saw Wasitara ti saw. Wasi tac a ti saw Wasi tar a ti saw. "?Was I tac a ti saw ?Was I Tar a ti saw." Get it? (Note: You are supposed to gather from this that the phrases "Was it a cat I saw?" and "Was it a rat I saw?" are palindromes--they read the same backwards or forwards. If you read Dr.J's funky versions of them backwards, you get the initial phrase; "..a ti saw" = "was it a..") YES: Mike: Reverse! Exactly! Hirocon is telling us to reverse the cipher! --- Orin: (Mike) Wait. Remember that I'm going off a vision of what someone else told me they saw in a dream. Is that reliable? --- Dr.J: Hmm...hmm...umm...hmm! Aha! Let's see if this works. Mike, get me the Oxford Wonder World...that's it there.... (The scene changes to a maroon hard-cover book with "Oxford Wonder World" printed on it, over a black background.) Dr.J: Ahh, here it is...now to read the strange words of the cipher! Umm...hmm... umm...hmm.... --- Kjorteo: Ahh yes, those are strange words. --- "Paapaapaaoompapamowmow?" * You shout... Mike: Is it Paa Paa Paa Oom Papa Mow Mow? ......?? --- Spade: (Dr.J) For the love of God, Mike, stop shouting. I'm right freaking here. --- (The book starts to glow and flash in pulses) Mike: Paa paa paa oom papa mow mow Dr.J: Mike, wait! Stop...stop!!! --- Kjorteo: (Dr.J) The bird is NOT the word, and I will freaking kick your ass if you don't stop that. --- (There is a sudden cutscene of a trippy flashing blue walls around either side of a black slit--apparently a portal or something. Mike is thrown into the middle of it, briefly flashes white, and disappears.) * Now saving your data.... Refrain from turning power off or resetting!! (This message appears every time you enter a dungeon or change chapters, but it won't be repeated after this.) -...You slip into another time and space....- -CHAPTER 2- (Mike fades in on a snow-covered mountain path.) * You appear.... Mike: Huh? What happened? Where am I? Wow! It's like being in a Sci-Fi movie! --- Spade: Secret of Evermore flashbacks BAD. --- Brr...Brr...Achoo! I've got to keep moving! * You decide to look around NPC Caveman: The ground has many holes ahead. They're covered by snow. Watch your step. (The path is indeed fraught with certain invisible tiles which, when stepped on, make you fall into a 2 or 3-room mini-dungeon. You appear on the world map again after making it through each mini-dungeon. Eventually you cross the snowfield and make it into a cave) [Inside the cave] NPC Cavemen: 1: I yam a cave man. A cave man I yam! 2: Oh my...you look so much like my son! Sob sob...oh my poor Shorty...sob sob...sob sob...sob...someday a reliever shall come from the south. Our village awaits him! 3: Oh my...you look to be about my daughter's age! Sob sob...oh my poor Pudgy...sob sob...sob sob...sob...someday a reliever shall come from the south. Our village awaits him! --- Orin: Amazing! It seems the cave people perfected a system of giving /all/ their children stupid names. Thus, there are no popular kids at all! True equality! Very fascinating. --- 4: You came from the south? That's cool...and Mike is a hot name too! But you're sorta weird, you know. --- Spade: This coming from a cave girl who speaks like she was translated by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. --- 5: I built a fire by rubbing these 2 sticks. Warm yourself, boy. --- Kjorteo: I love the specific anachronism here. It's like when the Professor could build anything he wanted as long as he said he made it out of coconuts. --- 6: I'm gonna roast a boar for dinner. How do ya like it? Rare roast...? What a barbarian...? 7: Yum-Yum lives to the north. Better not go there. 8: The hunting was good today. 9: The hunting was good today. Boar between 8 and 9: Oink! Oink! Snort! 10: He's Pikazo, a great artist, and I'm his buddy. We tried to fight Yum-Yum...it was terrible! Pikazo's not said a word since.... Sob sob...poor Pikazo.... See his paintings on the wall? I wonder if he's trying to tell us something? Pikazo: ... (On the wall next to Pikazo is a series of repeating symbols: Circle, Circle, Triangle, Square, Circle, Square, Triangle.) Elder: Aww...Mike, you've come from the south. You must be the one from the prophecy. --- Spade: Christ, even Benjamin from Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest had to defeat a low- level monster before the guide sort of knew he was the Knight. All Mike has to do is come from the south? Kjorteo: Wait, how does everyone know his name already? --- It says a southpaw reliever would come one day. Are you the one? NO: Elder: Oh? You're right-handed and a starting pitcher...? It's OK. We can change our lineup. --- Orin: So the prophecy is so vague that all it says is that a left-handed person will come one day. Mike fails this one single requirement, but oh well, says the Elder. Kjorteo: Very reminiscent of Secret of Evermore, when the guy tried to prove that his dog was his by seeing if he could fetch a stick. Even though the dog messed u*THWACK* ow. Spade: Secret of Evermore flashbacks BAD. --- YES: A month ago...a man munching monster Yum-Yum gulped down our children. Our best cavemen tried in vain to stop Yum-Yum.... No more victims! I ask you to drive Yum-Yum from our land. Only you, Mike the southpaw reliever, can save us.... --- Orin: Slick alliteration. That could make for a kickass intro speech for his fights. Kjorteo: And in /this/ corner, weighing in at 587 pounds, from Cavemanville, Cavemania, the man-munching monster, YUM-YUM!! --- Tink: I'm Tink. I make tools from bones and stones. Mike, try using my axe! * You've got an axe! Tink: You say you have no money? I don't know what money means...we cavemen just say thank you! --- Spade: Unfortunately, the value of the thank you has plummeted drastically due to inflation. There will be serious repercussions of a recession in a thank you- based economy. --- Tink (2nd time): I'm Tink. I make tools from bones and stones. Thank you! Ha ha.... (Outside the cave, on the path to Yum-Yum's lair) NPC Cavemen: 1: No luck hunting today. Did you hear the story of Pikazo and his son Shorty in the cave? --- Orin: (1) It was sick! I mean, he's his /son/, and that hole is not intended for that use..!! --- Sob sob...it's too sad to tell...sob sob...sniffle! 2: Yum-Yum lives to the north. Better not go there. So you're really going? Hope you have Tink's axe. (Yum-Yum's lair is a rather straightforward dungeon except for one maze part. In it, each room you walk into has three exits. Each has a symbol right next to the door. One of them leads further on to the maze, the other two automatically lock you out of the lair and make you have to exit and start the whole dungeon over. Not surprisingly, you make your way through the maze by spelling out the pattern on Pikazo's wall. When you first enter Yum-Yum's room, he is working on eating a boar. This is an exceptionally easy battle, as you can simply walk to a spot where your shots hit him and not the boar. Then you can wail on the attack button like a lunatic while he happily eats the boar, oblivious to your presence. By the time he finishes it and is ready to fight, you've done so much damage that he dies without a single shot fired.) * Wow! You've done it! Now saving your data.... Refrain from turning power off or resetting!! Good luck! (Much like the saving data message itself, this message appears every time you finish a level, but it won't be mentioned after this.) (Outside the dungeon is a section of his lair with four /very/ overweight children, whom immediately run up to you to praise you for saving them.) Shorty: Thank you! I'm shorty. You really showed him, Mike! We would've been gulped for sure. Yum-Yum was trying to fatten us up...for his supper! --- Kjorteo: Dun-dun-DUNNNN! Orin: As opposed to fattening them up for decoration? Spade: I vote comfort. Round children make nice soft furniture. --- *You speak to him... Mike: You're Pikazo's son! I'm sure he'll talk again! Now hurry back and surprise your parents! Go on, hurry! --- Spade: (Mike) Jog off some of that weight! --- (You step aside and the children run past back the way you came. Along the way, you find something that looks /exactly/ like the T-shaped piece in Tetris.) * You've got a block! ......?? ......?? --- Spade: ...No. It..it can't be. Kjorteo, you've played through this game before. This is where you tell me that even this game wouldn't sink /that/ low or be /that/ stupid, right? Something different happens later to make that idea go away, right? Kjorteo: ... Spade: ..Right..? Kjorteo: ..I'm sorry. Spade: NO! Oh God..why?? *Sob* --- (Outside Yum-Yum's lair, you automatically trigger a cutscene where Mike is standing there, when suddenly the image of Mica's head appears.) Mica: Mike, can you hear me? Mike, can you hear me? Whew, I found you! Mike, I've been looking everywhere! Dr.J told me what happened. Mike, listen! You've traveled back in time. --- Spade: Noooo...really? --- My father, Hirocon...must have known something might happen. I'm sure Hirocon wanted you to find the mystic Tetrads. The Tetrads were hidden on earth, somewhere in time.... They're the legacy of the Argonians...Mike, please help us find the Tetrads. Do you understand? --- Orin: I've heard of collecting the four crystals, the nine pieces of the mystic amulet, the three hundred billion purple keys...but...is Mike being sent on a quest to obtain tetris pieces? Fucking..tetris pieces? ..I think we have reached a new low. --- NO: Mica: Mike, you've got to travel thru time and collect the mystic Tetrads! --- Spade: (Mike) Uhh..? Dur, please condense that and make it more simple for me please. --- YES: Mica: I can't talk any more today. That's all, Mike.... (The image of Mica's head disappears) Mike: Mica! Wait! Disconnected...?! Tetrads? What's a Tetrad? --- Spade: Maybe it's that thing you just found and that we just got finished talking about? --- Wait! Look at the block! --- Kjorteo: Uh...who's he talking to? --- That's it! I already have a Tetrad! * You've got a Tetrad! --- Orin: Does he have a Tetrad? Spade: I'm not sure. This game hasn't made it clear enough. --- * Your life level is increased! (The scene fades to the Oxford Wonder World) * You decide to use the Oxford Wonder World again. You turn the page and say the magic words.... Mike: Paa paa paa oom papa mow mow. Whooaaa! This is radical! (You see the same cutscene as the end of Chapter 1 with Mike falling into the Time Portal. Since you see it a /lot/ in this came, it will hereafter be referred to as the Time Travel cutscene.) -...You slip into another time and space....- -CHAPTER 3- (You appear in a desert, with a river right next to you. On the other side of the river is the Sphinx, and two pyramids.) * You appear.... Mike: Huh? Where am I? Wow! Pyramids! A Sphinx! This has got to be Egypt! --- Orin: Impressive. Figured that out all by yourself, hm? --- * You decide to look around. (If you go search dilligently enough, you find a hidden tunnel that leads to Jack's house.) Jack: I'm Jack. A Jack of all trades! I will trade you for my bronze dagger. OK? NO: Jack: Have your own way! --- Orin: That's the most unique curse I've ever heard. Kjorteo: (Jack) Be of the going to hell now! --- YES: * You've got a dagger! (Tink's axe becomes the bronze dagger.) Jack: Don't mention it! Jack: Sorry, we're closed. (If you leave the house then walk back in) Jack: I'm Jack. A Jack of all trades! I will trade you for my axe. OK? NO: Jack: Have your own way! YES: * You've got an axe! (You go back to having to Tink's axe.) (You can keep toggling your weapon like this if you want, though the dagger is roughly twice as powerful.) --- Spade: Which leads to the questions of why Jack wants the axe instead, why he's still willing to trade back and forth an infinite number of times, and why the writers thought "Jack of all trades" was witty. Kjorteo: That's actually the least offensive pun in this game. Trust me. --- NPCs: 1: Welcome to the land of Egypt. 2: This is our queen's barge, you know. 3: Egypt is the Nile's gift! Guard near a mountain path: Halt! Stay away from here. (On board the queen's barge, on the deck) NPCs: 1: Hooray for our queen! She has incredible beauty. 2: Long live our beautiful queen! 3: I keep the queen cool. You might say I'm one of her biggest fans. Ha ha ha. Hee hee hee...I'm so funny! Ho ho ho. --- Spade: ...I see what you mean. --- 4: You wanna know if the queen is beautiful? She's a knockout! 5: The queen's cat is hungry. Don't get too close! Cat: Grrrrrrrr...rrrrrr...meow. --- Orin: The kitty kind of ran out of fearsome power in the end there.... --- (On board the queen's barge, inside the bridge) NPC: Bow down in the presence of the queen! Guard: Please enter! The queen expects you! --- Spade: I suppose why and how she knows you're coming are kind of overlooked. --- Snake: Don't asp me anything. I'm just a sssssnake. --- Orin: (Snake) But for twenty bucks, I can slither out of my co-bra and vipe my forked tongue all over your massive python. Kjorteo: Good God, Orin!! What is she, a bloa constrictor!? Spade: ...I really, truly hate you guys. --- Cleopatra: I'm Cleopatra, queen of the Nile. What brings you to my barge? * You tell the story... Mike: Blah blah seeking Tetrads blah traveling blah blah.... --- Kjorteo: (Cleopatra) I'm sorry, we don't speek Blah in Egypt. You'll have to use more than three words of the native tongue for me to understand you. --- Cleopatra: Hmm...I may be able to help you. I know of this Tetrad and I could take you to it for a price. Do you like pizza? I love pizza. It's my favorite! --- Orin: I like how the dialogue is just kind of running along uneventfWHAT THE HELL!? Spade: ...I think my brain just blew a fuse. --- I ordered a large pepperoni and it has taken way too long...it's been 3 days already! Why must they keep their queen waiting?! It makes me soooooo angry!! --- Spade: I won't even begin with what's wrong with queen Cleopatra ordering a large pepperoni pizza. Instead, I'll begin with what's wrong with waiting a full three days before taking action, and why you would even still want it at that point. --- Bring me my pizza and I will take you to the Tetrad. And hold the anchovies, OK? Cleopatra: Waste my time no longer. Bring me my pizza and I will take you to the Tetrad. Good luck on your journey. (Outside) Guard near the mountain path: Going for pizza, huh? Cross the border here and you'll find it. Guard: Good luck! --- Orin: If the guard knows where you get the pizza, you didn't have to wait for the non-southpaw reliever to arrive to get it. And what the hell are we doing getting pizza in ancient Egypt, anyway? Were even /reasonable/ fetch quests too much to ask? --- (You enter a dungeon with scorpions everywhere. The boss is a huge mother scorpion, with holes in the wall that let up to four little scorpions out at the same time. They wander around aimlessly and make it hard to focus on the mother, but every time you kill one, she gets mad and shoots at you, and the walls produce another one to bring the total back to four. This battle is /much/ harder if you forgot to upgrade to the bronze dagger, as it takes twice as many hits to kill it with Tink's axe.) (Outside the dungeon, there's pure desert as far as the eye can see in all directions, and an NPC with a camel right next to the cave exit.) NPC: Hey buddy, where ya headin'? * You tell the story.... Mike: Blah blah seeking pizza blah traveling blah blah.... --- Kjorteo: (NPC) Sorry, I haven't seen any Pizza Blah traveling around here. --- NPC: Pizza? That's the hot cheesy pie from Rome, right? Try Rent-A-Camel for a smooth ride! NO: NPC: Have your own way! YES: NPC: Have a nice drive! (The screen changes to a cutscene of you riding a camel.) * You hop on board the camel...and ride...and ride...and ride...and ride...and ride...and ride...and ride...and ride...and ride...and ride...and ride...and ride...and ride...and ride...and ride...and ride...for a very long time. --- Orin: I sense a theme. --- Look! Someone's coming. (A man comes riding toward you, very, very slowly. He's riding a very large Koopa Troopa. The joke is that he's going very slow because he's riding a turtle.) Mike: ??? Turtle rider: Hey! You know the way to the Nile? I've got a special delivery. A large pizza with extra pepperoni for our best customer. * You tell the story.... Mike: Blah blah seeking pizza blah Cleopatra blah blah.... --- Kjorteo: (Turtle rider) Cleopatra is seeking the Pizza Blah!? This is indeed dire news, friend! --- Turtle rider: OK, I'll leave it to you. Thanks a lot pal! * You've got the pizza. Turtle rider: Bye now! (The turtle rider takes off going back the way he came. He goes remarkably fast, apparently suddenly able to lap your camel, as he clears the screen in just over one second.) * No time to waste! Run, run! Hurry, hurry! Run, run! Hurry, hurry! --- Kjorteo: (Narrator) Tired and out of breath, you arrive at Miracola. --- * You arrive at the barge. The pizza's still warm! --- Orin: From the desert sun, maybe, but need I remind you that the pizza is /three days old,/ which is not exactly fresh from the oven. --- (Outside the barge) NPCs: 1: Oh, you have the pizza! You've done it! 2: Oh, pizza! Good for you! 3: Welcome to the land of Egypt --- Kjorteo: Hey, they missed one. --- (On the barge, everyone says the exact same thing, so it won't be repeated) (Inside the bridge) Cleopatra: You've returned! And you have the pizza! Quick! Give it to me before it cools! --- Orin: It's a little late for freshness, your majesty.... --- * You hand her the pizza (You see a cutscene of an 8-slize pizza, each slice disappearing one at a time, with the text "Chomp chomp...chew chew...." before the next slice disappears. This repeats until the entire pizza is gone, when it prints "Chomp chomp...chew chew...mmmmmm... delicious!" and you see "Caesar's Hut" printed on the bottom of the box.) --- Spade: Three. Days. Old. Not. Delicious. --- Cleopatra: I'm so happy! Come closer, Mike! (Cutscene of a closeup of Cleopatra) * She is a knockout! --- Orin: Um...no she's not. Graphics. Ouch. --- Cleopatra: Let me take you to the Tetrad, OK? (Cutscene of the barge setting sail to the other side of the river) (Cutscene of a closeup of Cleopatra) Cleopatra: To the south, you'll find a great pyramid. The Tetrad is rumored to be within its walls. Bravely face the dangers of the pyramid and you'll reach the Tetrad. (If you still have Tink's axe) Cleopatra: I will trade you for my bronze dagger. * You've got a dagger! Cleopatra: Good luck on your journey! (You enter the pyramid. Just two rooms in, there's a hallway with an electric barrier. No matter what you try, you can't pass. You have nowhere to go except to turn around and leave the pyramid. When you do, two NPCs are suddenly standing there.) NPCs: 1: You need something special to cross the pyramid's magic field. 2: I came from the north. Some strange magic goin' on up there. --- Kjorteo: Wow, I wonder if the game is trying to tell us something. --- (Further north) NPC: There's a mad magician in the field beyond the reeds to the north! I was up there. He was driving me bananas! --- Spade: Why do I get the feeling that that horrible pun is actually foreshadowing? Kjorteo: Probably because it is. --- (You enter a reed maze. All you can see is grass, some of which is impassable and some of which is not, basically making it an invisible maze. However, there are decks with ladders here and there throughout the maze. When you climb up on them, the walls and floor become visible. The idea is to view the maze from one outpost, and memorize the layout enough to get to the next outpost. Every now and then, the floor gives way to a little four-room dungeon, like the ice path in chapter one. Also, every now and then, a monkey surfaces from the reeds farther up, squeaks at you, and retreats, goading you on or something.) (There's a big heart midway through the maze) * You've got a big heart! Your life level is increased! (When you make it through the maze, the monkey appears and talks to you) Monkey: Welcome, Mike. I have been expecting you. * You shout... Mike: I'll be a monkey's uncle! --- All: *...* Kjorteo: (Mike) Er, sorry. --- Monkey: Listen well. There is a special ability I must give to you. --- Spade: (Monkey) It is the power to shut the fuck up. Use it well. --- It is the power of the mind. --- Kjorteo: (Monkey) With it, you will be able to think before /ever/ making jokes like that again. --- * You've got the Psychic Shock Wave. Monkey: With this force, you will be able to break barriers and strike down your enemies. Now, begone with you! (The screen flashes in and out, and you are teleported back to the entrance to the pyramid, which now has an NPC and a snake next to it.) NPC: You need something special to cross the pyramid's magic field. --- Orin: Sorry, I think even Mike has gotten that far by now. --- Snake: Psst...psst...let me tell you about the pyramid. I snaked in there once and was charmed by a very catchy tune. --- Orin: (Snake) Fifty bucks for the most earth-snaking sssssex you've ever had. I'll cover you with coil, and lick and hiss up and down your-- Kjorteo: (Mike) No thanks; I don't want to contract herps. Spade: .... I hate my life, but I hate yours more. --- (You can kill the wall that was there before when you hit it with the Psychic Shock Wave instead of the dagger. This leads to the rest of the dungeon. It's mostly straightforward, except for one part where you need to find a flute and use it in a room that has tiles forming a picture of a snake on the floor. This summons three snakes which, when killed, reveal a different exit to that room. That leads to the boss, a giant King Tut mask that floats around and shoots stuff at you. You beat him and exit the dungeon, and find the Tetrad that looks like a non-curved J or a backwards L.) * You've got a Tetrad! * Your life level is increased! * You decide to use the Oxford Wonder World again. You turn the page and say the magic words.... Mike: Paa paa paa oom papa mow mow. Whooaaa! This is radical! --- Spade: What, the chanting stupid words so you can skull-rape history and collect Tetris pieces? Not really. --- (You see the time travel cutscene again, thus ending the chapter.) ========== Kjorteo: OK, everyone, I think it's time for a break. Orin/Spade: Yay! Kjorteo: Besides, I feel like doing random parody scenes of this game. Does anyone have any ideas for an epic quest? Spade: No. Orin: I'm hungry. Kjorteo: Perfect! Then we will search through time to gather the three magical ingredients for a sandwich: the bacon, the lettuce, and the tomato. Spade: What about the bread? Kjorteo: I have a couple pieces right here already. * * * Kjorteo's party has received the Bread! * * * Orin: But how do we travel through time? Spade: And how can you do proper historical parodies without knowing all that much about history? Kjorteo: To answer the last question first, look at the game we're making fun of here. Did we or did we not just get finished giving Cleopatra a pizza? I think whatever horrible cliches are in our minds from remedial kindergarten history are actually what we're /going for./ As for the time traveling..um..I think we just need a random book and some stupid phrases to say. Does anyone have any books? Spade: No. Orin: I have dirty magazines. Kjorteo: Perfect! Go get an old one that you don't need anymore. Orin: How about this one? * * * Kjorteo's party has received the 1998 SI Swimsuit Issue! * * * Kjorteo: Perfect. OK, let's go everyone! * * * Kjorteo's party turns the page of the 1998 SI Swimsuit Issue and says the magic words. . . * * * Kjorteo: Louie Louie, woo woo, we gotta go now. *POOF!* ========== -...You slip into another time and space....- -CHAPTER 4- (You appear in a town, at night. There are cobblestone streets and old-looking brick houses.) * You appear.... Mike: Huh? Where am I? Oh! Here's an address...221B Baker Street...London! Hmm. Sounds familiar. * You decide to look around. (There's only one place to go, which is inside a house, which happens to have Sherlock Holmes inside it.) --- Spade: OK, you do realize that Sherlock Holmes is a fictional character, right? As in, not real? I mean, getting pizza for Cleopatra was bad, but.. Kjorteo: The game just gets worse and worse from here on in, Spade. I suggest just smiling and nodding whenever it pulls something like this. --- Holmes: Ahh...good evening. Allow me to introduce myself...the name is Holmes. * You shout... Mike: You mean Sherlock Holmes...the great detective? --- Orin: (Holmes) Ahh...from your shouting while I'm right here, I deduce that you are a moron. Am I right? --- Holmes: Well...yes...I do like a good mystery. In fact, I have concluded that a robbery will occur in the museum tonight. A rascal by the name of Zoda-X intends to steal a most curious stone. * You shout... Mike: Zoda-X...? Zoda! I've heard that name before.... --- Orin: (Holmes) Ahh...well, here's a clue, Mike. Zoda-X did /not/ render me deaf. Now please, stop that. --- Holmes: Oh? Well then you shall help me catch him red-handed. Meet me in the museum at the stroke of midnight. And...don't be late! (You appear outside his house with the way ahead opened up, although there's nowhere to go and nothing of note in the new area, with the exception of two dogs on the street, an NPC in his house, and a policeman.) DOGS: 1: Woof! Bow wow! Woof woof! 2: Woof! Bow wow! Woof woof! NPC: Huh? What? Do you have any idea what time it is? Let a person get some sleep! --- Kjorteo: (Mike) But I just had to tell you about the freaky clone dogs I saw!! --- Policeman: A little late to be going to the museum, isn't it? Hmm...suspicious. Come with me! (The screen fades out and back in with you in a prison cell, with an inmate in the cell next to yours.) Policeman: Zzz...zzz...zzz.... Inmate: What are you in for, pal? Don't even try to get out. This place is escape-proof! (Only it's not; it takes you all of about two seconds to find the tunnel in your cell, which automatically teleports you outside, in a spot that's further along the path to the museum. There's a sleepwalker NPC and a dog on the road.) --- Orin: (Inmate) Aww, damn. That's the third time today. Am I destined to be lonely forever? --- NPC: Zzz...zzz...zzz.... Dog: Woof! Bow wow! Woof woof! (At the museum) Holmes: Ahh...just in time, Wats...er...Mike. Come, I will show you the stone. (It shows a closeup of the tetrad that looks like an extremely straigtened out s, or a backwards z.) * A Tetrad! Quickly, you reach for it. But suddenly.... --- Spade: Holmes grabs you and breaks your arm Kung-Fu style. Kjorteo: (Holmes) The idea is to prevent the stone from being stolen, not to steal it first. --- (An image of Zoda appears) Zoda: Ha! Ha! I've got the Tetrad now, Mike! * You shout... Mike: Zoda! That alien scum.... --- Spade: (Mike) Banana-to-ear power, activate! --- Zoda: Weak human! You'll never survive the power of the mighty Zoda-X. (The Tetrad suddenly gravitates toward him, then both he and the Tetrad disappear.) * Zoda-X has escaped with the Tetrad! (Cut back to Holmes) Holmes: The game's afoot Mike! You give chase and I will cut him off! --- Orin: You know, that sounds really exciting until you think about it for a second. How can one person chase someone and another person "cut him off" at the same time? Does Holmes know exactly where Zoda-X is going, know a shortcut there, and not feel like sharing this information with Mike? Spade: Well, it really wouldn't serve much of a point to tell Mike. He would just wander around aimlessly shouting "Blah blah blah Zoda-X blah!" anyway. --- (You appear in yet another part of the street, this one leading to two sewer entrances. The first has a big heart in it, the second has a dungeon.) * You've got a big heart! Your life level is increased! (Most of the dungeon is fairly noneventful; typical kill things and navigate the rooms goodness. In the boss room, Zoda-X summons a brain-looking ball thing with rising and sinking platforms around it. The first platform stays up and waits for you, and as soon as you step on it, the second comes up, the first waits a little bit, and then disappears. The second and all subsequent platforms follow this pattern, working in a circle. The idea is to stop as long as you can and fire at the brain in the middle, but not take too long lest the platforms sink on you. You eventually beat him and move on to an overworld-looking part of the sewers, which lasts for exactly one very short room before leading into another dungeon.) (The second dungeon relies a lot more heavily on moving platforms, sinking platforms, and other types of platform game problems. The boss room is covered with conveyor tiles that gently push you in one direction when you're standing still, only the placement of what directional tiles are where seems completely random, thus moving you all around the room aimlessly. Zoda disappears, appears, and shoots at you, like Dracula from any Castlevania game. When he's beaten, he briefly turns into the purple alien thing that was the final boss in StarTropics I, but as he's already in the process of exploding when this happens, you don't get to fight him. You reappear in an overworld part of the sewer that has the Tetrad in it.) * You've got a Tetrad! * Your life level is increased! (Holmes is standing outside the sewer's exit.) Holmes: Well done Mike! You are a very clever sleuth! Do you know of this stone? --- Kjorteo: (Mike) Yes, I passed it not one month ago. It's been my most cherished posession ever since. --- * You tell the story... Mike: Blah blah Tetrads blah aliens blah Zoda-X blah blah. --- Spade: (Holmes) Fascinating. One could almost deduce that you are trying to communicate. Am I right? --- Holmes: Of course! From Zoda-X, I deduce that there must be a Zoda-Y and Z! Hurry Mike! You are not alone in the chase for the Tetrads! Make haste! * You shout... Mike: Thanks, Sherlock! I'll take it from here. --- Orin: (Holmes) Yes, as fascinating and intellectually stimulating as your company is, I do believe that I have prior engagements that involve not losing my hearing. Thus, you will have to carry on without me. --- * You decide to use the Oxford Wonder World again. You turn the page and say the magic words.... Mike: Paa paa paa oom papa mow mow. Whooaaa! This is radical! (Time travel cutscene. End of chapter.) -...You slip into another time and space....- -CHAPTER 5- (You appear in a desert. There's sand and cacti everywhere.) * You appear.... Mike: Huh? Where am I? * You decide to look around (There's a solid wall of mountain on all sides except for a sea to the north, ensuring there's absolutely nowhere to go except a village) (Inside the village, there are prospectors and Wild West-looking people everywhere) NPCs: 1: Howdy pardner! There's gold in them thar hills! Yippee! --- Orin: Yipe. That's like an amalgamation of every bad prospector cliche ever. --- 2: I struck it rich! I struck it rich! 3: I struck it rich! I struck it rich! Meet me at the Saloon. The ginger ale is on me! --- Kjorteo: Ginger ale, hmm? Orin: No thanks, I'm busy sampling The Tapper's delicious /root beer/ with my friend /Soda Popinski./ Yep. --- 4: Howdy pardner. When you walk up to a cactus, approach it from the south. That way you won't get pricked by the needles. --- Spade: And this helps..how? --- Tombstones: 1: Here lies Daring Dave. A landslide sent him to an early grave, 1849. 2: Here likes Lucky Larry. His luck ran out and now he's buried, 1849. --- Spade: See? Bad puns kill you. Or at least drive me to kill you. Either way. --- (Inside Bob's Store) Bob: Sorry, we're closed. (Inside a random house) NPC: Howdy! Looks like you've been thru a lot! --- Kjorteo: (Mike) Ya i haev lolol! --- What brings you to these parts? * You tell the story... Mike: Blah blah seeking Tetrads blah traveling blah blah.... --- Orin: (Prospector) Golly, a sunstroke victim! --- NPC: Hmm...you know, I seem to recall seeing a strange rock like your Tet Tot Rad. It was in a mine that has since been buried in a landslide. If you blast in the right place, you'll open the way to your Tet Tot Rad. I wish I could remember exactly where that was but, it's been a while. Good luck, Mike. NPC: Howdy pardner. No luck yet, huh? If you blast in the right place, you'll open the way to your Tet Tot Rad. I wish I could remember exactly where that was but, it's been a while. Good luck, Mike. --- Spade: Hehe, Tet Tot Rad. That's almost amusing enough to negate the crushing pain and emptiness that is the rest of this game...well, no it's not. But it is amusing...well, no it's not. --- (Inside the saloon) Barkeeper: Howdy pardner! Welcome to the Silver Dollar Saloon. Have a shot of Sarsaparilla. * You drink the shot... Mike: Mmm, delicious! NPCs: 1: Howdy pardner. 2: Howdy pardner. 3: Get outta here kid, we're brawlin'. 4: Get outta here kid, we're brawlin'. --- Orin: Incredibly creative dialogue writers, I see. --- 5: Have a shot of my Red Eye Ginger Ale. * You drink the shot... (The screen flashes violently) Mike: Mmmmmm...dynamite! --- Orin: I have yet to see ginger ale that has that kind of effect on a man. I believe my suspicions about the saloon have been confirmed. --- Piano player: Want me to play my greatest hit? NO: Piano player: OK. Fine by me. --- Spade: Huh. Must not be that great a hit. --- YES: Piano player: OK. Here it goes.... (The music changes to something disturbingly techno-sounding for the Wild West. The ladies on stage suddenly go from having frilly Wild West dresses to being in tight- fitting two-piece aerobics outfits and do a dance reminiscent of an '80s music video.) Piano player: Eureka! I've done it. I've hit pay dirt. Rich is what I am and the town I will alert. There's gold in them thar hills. And it's brought me many thrills. --- Kjorteo: (Piano player) Now if only any of this song made sense, or fit within the Wild West tense. Orin: (Piano player) Oh well, I'll just sing this anachronistic refrain. The gold made me a millionaire but I still can't buy a brain. Spade: While normally I never sing (unless against my will,) the stupid level of this game has driven me to kill. Kjorteo: Wow, Spade. That was perfectly iambic and everything. Good job. Spade: Shut up. --- Now it's gold that you can earn. But there's a step that you must learn...it's the...cactus dance, do the cactus dance. Everybody in the desert, do the cactus dance. Step light and don't you stick. Seek a special cactus and make it quick. Face the cactus if you might. Then take 2 steps left and 3 steps right. Turn left again. OK, that's all. Now keep on walkin' 'til you hit the wall. --- Orin: Wow, I wonder if the game is trying to tell us something. --- Cactus dance, do the cactus dance. Shake up the shack with the cactus dance. The lost mine is yours if you want that too, just blast the wall and you'll get thru. Yeah, boyee. --- Kjorteo: (Piano player) Word, from the hard thug streets of the prospector town ghetto, yo. Spade: Kjorteo, please don't do that again. Ever. --- (The regular music resumes and the ladies on stage have the frilly Wild West dresses again.) (Back at Bob's Store) Bob: Welcome to Bob's Store! You came for supplies to blast thru rock walls, huh? This should get you started. * You've got a load of dynamite. --- Orin: (Bob) You say you have no money? I don't know what money means...we general store owners just say thank you! --- Bob: If you strike gold, I'll buy it all. Good luck! Bob: Sorry, we're closed. (You can actually place the dynamite absolutely anywhere you want. The cactus dance guides you to the spot where the actual dungeon is, but you can also waste dynamite by putting it where nothing happens if you like. There are also some random side caves that have useless things in them...2 "gold nugget" caves, 3 "chicken nugget" caves, and one cave with a big heart) (Message printed each time you blast anywhere) * Fire in the hole! Run! (Inside caves with gold nuggets) * You've got a gold nugget. You strike it rich! (Inside caves with chicken nuggets) * You've got a gold nugget. You strike it rich! * ??????... * Wow, it's a chicken nugget. You try it... Mike: Mmmmmm...delicious! * But nothing happens --- Spade: Well, with the exception of the fact that you just ate a chicken nugget that was lying on the ground inside a sealed up cave for gods /know/ how long. But hey, we delivered 3-day-old pizza to Cleopatra and it was still warm, so what does this game know about freshness, hm? Orin: God, Spade, calm down. Spade: Fuck you. --- (Inside the cave with the big heart) * You've got a big heart! Your life level is increased! (Back at the village, in Bob's Store, if you've wasted your dynamite and need more) Bob: Welcome to Bob's Store. Back for more, huh? * You've got a load of dynamite. (If you have a gold nugget) Bob: I'll buy out your gold. OK? NO: Bob: OK. Fine by me. YES: Bob: Well, it's a deal. (The gold nugget disappears from your inventory and you get exactly 1020 points.) --- Kjorteo: And since points are the absolute least useful things /ever/ in StarTropics games, one feels completely cheated. I mean, the game just arbitrarily gives you some points for finishing levels, and they never serve any actual use at all. Bob could have given you nothing but made up some speech about how he'd take the gold as payment for the dynamite, and I'd feel less cheated than that. Orin: Wow, you too? Someone needs a nap. --- (Outside, there's one cactus that looks different from the others. Putting the clues together, you start on the tile south of the cactus, facing north. You then take two steps west, three north, and then go west until you hit the mountain, where you use the dynamite. Blasting at this spot opens the cave to the dungeon.) (The dungeon is uneventful. The boss is a guy that keeps picking rocks out of the wall, and holding them in front of him as a shield before eventually rolling them at you. You have to jump over the rocks when they come at you, and since they block weapons when he's holding them, you have to damage him by either firing while jumping, or by just wailing on the attack button while his back is turned to actually pick the rock out of the wall. Outside the dungeon is a passage to another dungeon, with a donkey standing in the middle of it.) Donkey: Welcome, Mike. I am glad that you have come so far. --- Kjorteo: (Mike) Hey, it's the monkey magician! Sorry about that stupid pun last time. I feel like a real jackass now--oops! Sorry!! --- Listen well. I will give you added strength so that you may overcome dangers ahead. * You've got the Super Psychic Shock Wave. Donkey: Remember, Mike. My powerful magic will guide you on your journey. --- Orin: (Donkey) Master the Super Psychic Shock Wave, and I'll teach you the Hyper Ultra Jumbo Hadoken Spirit Wave No. 6. --- (The second dungeon is also uneventful, but it does give you a chance to play with the Super Psychic Shock Wave, which does exactly as much damage as the bronze dagger while having greater range and a lot faster firing. The boss is an undead skeletal miner with a huge sledgehammer. The idea is to dodge the rocks that fall when he hits the sledgehammer against the ground, firing shots while avoiding rocks. However, you can pick up /two/ stars that give complete invincibility and save them for this fight. You can simply use one (or both if you're slow) and walk right up to him and just keep firing the Super Psychic Shock Wave at him. You exit the dungeon and find the perfectly straight I-shaped Tetrad.) --- Kjorteo: You know, this game could have been a lot more realistic if it gave that one to you last. Those are always the ones you're waiting and counting on getting but that never come, right? --- * You've got a Tetrad! Your life level is increased! * You decide to use the Oxford Wonder World again. You turn the page and say the magic words.... Mike: Paa paa paa oom papa mow mow. Whooaaa! This is radical! (Time travel cutscene. End of chapter.) ========== *POOF!* Orin: OK, now we just need to find out where and when we are. Kjorteo: Oh, don't worry. Random people drop suspiciously large clues everywhere you turn. (A villager walks up) Villager: Hello, good sirs! I don't know who you are, but I feel like randomly telling people that today is July 4, 1776, and our founding fathers are drafting the Declaration of Independence! Now, I must be off, as I have other people to tell this to! Good day! (The villager leaves) Kjorteo: See? Orin: OK, so...what do we do here again, exactly? Kjorteo: Look for the ingredients for your sandwich in a way that involves talking to historical figures, and then warp out. Let us be off! (At a random courthouse) George Washington: Um..hello, who are you? Kjorteo: Wow, it's George Washington! Orin: Hello. Can you tell us what's going on? George Washington: Certainly. We're dealing with quite a problem right now. You see, one of the founding fathers just made this great new culinary invention called bacon. But the British want to put a tax on it! So we're going to declare independence. That way, we can have all the bacon we want! Kjorteo: What luck! It just so happens we're looking for bacon. Do you mind if we have some? George Washington: Hold on, let me think of a fetch quest for you first. Um...oh, I know! Here, deliver this Declaration of Independence to Ben Franklin. * * * Kjorteo's party has received the Declaration of Independence! * * * Spade: OK. Where can we find him? George Washington: He's standing right next to me. Ben Franklin: Hi. Spade: ...Oh. Orin: Um...here. Ben Franklin: Hey, it's the Declaration of Independence! George Washington wouldn't give it to me directly because he's a dick, but thanks to you, I can..um..sign it or do whatever I was going to do with it. Thanks! Here, have some bacon! * * * Kjorteo's party has received the Bacon! * * * Kjorteo: Yay! Let's warp out of here. * * * Kjorteo's party turns the page of the 1998 SI Swimsuit Issue and says the magic words. . . * * * Kjorteo: Doobie Doobie Doo. *POOF!* ========== -...You slip into another time and space....- -CHAPTER 6- (You appear in a city. The streets are cobblestone and the buildings are brick, like the London level, only it's daytime. Also, the color scheme tries to suggest more of a renaissance theme.) * You appear.... Mike: Huh? Where am I? * You decide to look around NPCs: 1: You'ra justa visitor to Italy, yes? Hava nice time, ciao! --- Spade: Goody, more horrible, horrible stereotype amalgamations. --- 2: Tetrad? I hava no Tetdrad. Howa 'bout some nice Tetrazzini or tortellini. 3: Hey kid! Need a map to the artists' homes? Wha d'ya say? I got Raphael, Donatello, Michaelangelo... --- Kjorteo: (3) Splinter, Shredder, Krang.... --- NO: 3: OK. Fine by me. YES: 3: Leonardo? Sorry, I'ma out. I solda the last one to some big weird guy. 4: Hmm...you looka familiar. You ever eat at Caesar's Hut pizza? I'ma the pizza man! 5: An old scientist lives in our villa. If he can't help you, no one can... 6: The old scientist in our villa is very inventive. --- Orin: That wasn't a clue, was it? Yes...all the myriad pieces are starting to come together.... --- I hear is cellar is full of gadgets, lika big toy box. --- Kjorteo: (Mike) He keeps a big toy box in his cellar!? --- 7: You look so thin! Here, have a big plate of pasta. * You eat the pasta. Mmmmmm...delicious! (Inside a house, there's a canvas and a statue and stairs leading down. The statue speaks as you try to pass it.) Statue: Help! I can't mo.... Get me outta here.... * Someone's inside the statue. --- Spade: Really? --- (Believe it or not, as unlikely a place as this would be for one, the stairs lead to a dungeon. It's fairly short, with no boss or enemies, but a lot of obstacles. The first half of the rooms are timing-related things like moving platforms and steel balls that swirl around a preset path, making you time when to cross so that you don't get hit. The last few rooms have steel balls that travel back and forth, and exactly one hole in the room. The balls change direction (toggling from going left and right or going up and down) when hit. The idea is to make them go into the hole. After that, the rooms open up and you leave the dungeon. You are now in a little room that has a hammer and a chisel in it.) * You've got a hammer. * You've got a chisel. --- Kjorteo: Even accepting the ridiculousness of the dungeon there...if the hammer and chisel are right next to each other, why even bother making the player get them individually? --- (The scene automatically fades to the statue, which when zoomed in like this you can clearly see is Leonardo da Vinci.) Leonardo: Get me outta here.... * You chip away with the hammer and chisel. (Chip, chip, chip) Leonardo: Ow...get me outta here.... (Chip, chip, chip) Leonardo: Ouch! Ow...careful...ow.... (Chip, chip, chip) Leonardo: Ow...careful...ow.... (By now his entire head is free, and you chip away furiously at the entire rest of the body until all the rock comes off. The scene then zooms in to a closer close-up of Leonardo [who has a X-shaped bandage on his head] and the Mona Lisa.) * It's the famous artist, Leonardo da Vinci! --- Kjorteo: I guess the game had to insult our intelligence in case we didn't recognize him. Note the Mona Lisa right there as well as his description. Orin: It's like the game is saying "It's Leonardo da Vinci! You know, that guy that painted and sketched inventions? The Mona Lisa guy?" --- Leonardo: Graci! Graci! Thank you for releasing me, friend. I was just putting the finishing touches on my new masterpiece when...a monster blasted me with liquid plaster. --- Orin: Ewwwww. Kjorteo: Hey, get your mind out of the gutter. This is a kid's game. --- His name was...uh...Soda?! * You shout... Mike: Zoda-Y! Sherlock was right! --- Orin: (Leonardo) Um..I'm right here, friend. And who's Sherlock? --- Leonardo: He asked me about a curious artifact I saw while in an old castle to the east. --- Kjorteo: (Mike) Sherlock did? What was he doing in this timeline? --- * You shout... Mike: The Tetrad! Leo, you've got to help me get there! Leonardo: I have justa the thing...but first, tell me what you think of my new masterpiece. --- Kjorteo: "Justa the thing." Leonardo broke character this entire conversation, and just threw that one thing in right there to pretend he remembered he's supposed to have a Mario accent. --- * You say... Mike: I'm no art critic, but the hair style is a little...old. --- Spade: Oh, I'm so sorry that the renaissance wasn't recent enough for you. --- Leonardo: Well, how about this? (With his left hand, Leonardo moves the brush around the painting for a bit, and suddenly the Mona Lisa has short, spiked, raver hair.) * You shout... Mike: Wow! That's...radical! --- All: *...* Orin: ...Sooo...anyone else suddenly miss the good old days of the dreaded Pizza Blah? --- Leonardo: Now, hurry, an invention of mine will take you to where I saw the artifact. Take this weapon, too. It's a souvenier of Marco Polo's from the far east. * You've got a katana. Leonardo: Be careful and don't let Soda...er...Zoda-Y breathe on you. --- Kjorteo: (Leonardo) Aliens really aren't known for their breathmint technology, you know. --- It's a petrifying experience. (The scene changes to you flying a bizarre pedal-powered flying machine [which, by the way, looks absolutely nothing like Leonardo da Vinci's famous flying machine sketches] eastward, over an ocean.) * Leonardo's invention is...a flying machine! Machine: Sputter sputter, cough cough. Sputter sputter, cough cough. * It's not first class, but it flies! Machine: Suptter sputter, cough cough. Sputter sputter, cough cough. (While you're flying, the scene suddenly changes to a close-up of mike, who is mysteriously just kind of standing there now, instead of pedalling. The image of Mica's head suddenly appears.) Mica: Mike, can you hear me? Mike, can you hear me? Whew...I found you! I can sense that you're... --- Spade: (Mica) an idiot! Orin: (Mica) trapped in an exceptionally sub-par game! Kjorteo: (Mica) badly in need of a bath! --- flying! --- Orin: Close enough. --- * You shout... Mike: Mica! You wouldn't believe what's been going on! --- Kjorteo: (Mica) Hey, I know it's been longer than thirty seconds since I said this so you probably forgot, but in telepathy, you don't have to shout! --- * You tell the story... Mike: Blah blah flying machine blah Zoda blah Leonardo.... Mica: Things have been crazy here, too! --- Orin: (Mica) Blah blah you are blah an blah idiot blah blah.... --- Aliens came to C-Island...hypnotised Dr.J and found out how to time slip! They're after the Tetrads and they may be setting a trap for you! Be careful, Mike. We don't know what these evil beings are capable of.... --- Spade: And the plot thickens...well, no, two times zero is still zero. Nevermind. --- (The image of Mica's head disappears) Mike: Mica! Wait! Disconnected...?! (The cutscene shifts back to you pedalling and flying.) Machine: Sputter sputter, cough cough. Sputter sputter, cough cough. Sputter sputter, cough cough. * Get ready for landing! (You land on an island a big heart in a hidden cave.) * You've got a big heart! Your life level is increased! (You go back to the flying machine, and see the flying cutscene again.) Machine: Sputter sputter, cough cough. Sputter sputter, cough cough. Sputter sputter, cough cough. * Get ready for landing! (You land on an island with a castle on it. There actually isn't a dungeon, but there is a rather wicked overworld maze, with a lot of trapped tiles that send you to two- room mini-dungeons, like the snow patch of chapter 1. At the end of the maze is the Tetrad that looks like a straightened-out z.) * You've got a Tetrad! Your life level is increased! Wait! You hear an evil voice bellowing from beyond! --- Kjorteo: Slick alliteration. It also sounds like a b-movie or an Iron Maiden album name. --- (The screen shakes and Zoda-Y appears. You see a cutscene with a closeup of Zoda-Y, with lightning periodically flashing. When it does, it illuminates a bug-looking head (a fly head?) superimposed over Zoda-Y's chest.) Zoda-Y: Not so fast, human. * It's...Zoda-Y! --- Orin: You know, it /could/ be Zoda-Z, playing with the order just to mess with your head. Or maybe Zoda-Y is in a time period between those of Sherlock Holmes and Leonardo da Vinci, and you're visiting eras completley out of order anyway.. --- Zoda-Y: I've learned now not to send a henchman on an errand that requires my own touch. You'll not get away so easily where I'm about to send you. --- Kjorteo: (Mike) Sure I will. It's called the Oxford Wonder World. ...for whatever reason. --- Go! Go to the land where a count stalks his victims by the light of the moon.... Ahhhhh ha ha ha ha...ahhhhh ha ha ha ha.... --- Orin: (Zoda-Y) I made "I'm sending you to Transylvania" sound ominous and descriptive! I rock! BWAHAHAHA! Spade: Speaking as a real villain, I'm going to have to ask that you not mock the villain speeches and laughing ever again. --- * Whooaaa! This is radical! (The game plays a digitized laugh that rivals Impossible Mission in sheer atrocity. It then flashes lightning to reveal the bug head again, and then shows the time-travel cutscene and ends the chapter.) -...You slip into another time and space....- -CHAPTER 7- (You appear on a snow-covered mountain path. There are a lot of trees as well. It's nighttime and very dark.) * You appear.... Mike: Huh? Where am I? --- Spade: Transylvania, you dumbass. If you were able to piece together who Leonardo da Vinci was from the Mona Lisa being right next to him, I expect you to at least be able to follow Zoda-Y's banter. --- * You decide to look around --- Orin: Oh come on. Zoda's not stupid enough to send you to a realm that has a Tetrad in it. He even said that he was just putting you here so you could die. Just warp out, you freaking moron. Kjorteo: I dunno...Zoda-Y /did/ basically watch Mike collect the z-shaped Tetrad, and all he did to fight him was put him in a time warp. That's not exactly the kind of brilliance that allows "not accidentally sending Mike to the next Tetrad" to be put past him. --- (There's absolutely nothing of interest in this level except for the dungeon. The path leads to a castle, and the castle is a somewhat maze-like dungeon with Zoda-Y at the end. [Interestingly enough, though you're in Transylvania and the random enemies throughout the dungeon look like they belong in a Castlevania game, Dracula himself is nowhere to be seen.] Zoda-Y starts out in normal form, and after taking enough damage, morphs into a bird thing with the bug head from the last cutscene. He then hops around the room and flaps hard enough to shoot feathers at you, and to attempt to blow you backwards into the spikes on the walls. After beating him, you end up in a room with the square-shaped Tetrad in it.) --- Kjorteo: I told you. Spade: As a villain, I am officially embarassed to have the Zodas on the side of evil. --- * You've got a Tetrad! Your life level is increased! * You decide to use the Oxford Wonder World again. You turn the page and say the magic words.... Mike: Paa paa paa oom papa mow mow. Whooaaa! This is radical! (Time travel cutscene. End of chapter.) --- Orin: ...That was the least meaningful chapter in the game. --- ========== *POOF!* Orin: OK, where and when are we now? Kjorteo: For some reason, I gather that we're in the midst of the French Revolution. Spade: What makes you say that? Kjorteo: That sign over there that says "This is the French Revolution?" Spade: ...Now why the hell would they put a sign like that up? In English, no less? Kjorteo: Well, it /does/ have phonetically spelled ridiculous Monty Python french accents on it. Orin: True... Kjorteo: OK, so let's go to the castle and look for more ingredients! (Inside the castle) Orin: Hey, it's Marie Antoinette! ...And I know this because everyone knows that the French Revolution == Marie Antoinette. Marie Antoinette: Really? Why is that? Orin: ..Um...nevermind. Marie Antoinette: So what brings you guys here? Spade: We seek lettuce. Marie Antoinette: Lettuce? What's that? Kjorteo: Um.... Orin: *Ahem* BLAH BLAH GREEN STUFF BLAH LEAFY BLAH. Marie Antoinette: Ohhh, that stuff! Hold on a second. (Marie Antoinette leaves the room) Spade: ...Dude. How did you do that? Orin: Well, I've learned from this game that all you have to do is say "Blah" a lot. Everyone understands what you're talking about for some reason. Spade: Ohhhhh. Kjorteo: Quick thinking. Good work, Orin. Orin: Thanks. (Marie Antoinette comes back, holding a head of lettuce.) Marie Antoinette: Here you go, guys. Orin: Thanks! * * * Kjorteo's party has received the Lettuce! * * * Kjorteo: Yay! Spade: Hey, let me give you some advice as thanks. If some peasants come buy and they seem angry about something, say "Let them eat cake." It's..um..a code. Marie Antoinette: Um...if you say so..? Spade: Yeah. It'll be funny. Trust me. Orin: [Aside] You're evil. Spade: [Aside] Thank you. Kjorteo: OK, let's warp out of here, everyone! * * * Kjorteo's party turns the page of the 1998 SI Swimsuit Issue and says the magic words. . . * * * Kjorteo: Hooka chaka hooka chaka hooka hooka hooka chaka. *POOF!* ========== -...You slip into another time and space....- -CHAPTER 8- (You appear in a semi-forested area. There's perfectly green grass everywhere except for the spots where the are perfectly green trees.) * You appear.... Mike: Huh? Where am I? * You decide to look around (Further along the path, you see some of NPC knights.) NPCs: 1: Ods Bodkins! A stranger! Methinks you should see the king! --- Kjorteo: "Ods Bodkins?" Orin: This wouldn't be more horrible cliche amalgamation, would it? --- 2: The shadow of a dragon looms heavy over Camelot! The king seeks a hero to save us. 3: Arthur, our king, is a very strong and important man. You should see him at once. 4: I am Sir Lancelot. No doubt you have heard of my great and wondrous adventures. I would fight the dragon in the northern cave, but my schedule is quite full. So many quests, so little time. --- Spade: You suck at being a knight, then. How could you place any quest above the one that all the NPCs are whining about? Kjorteo: He probably means sidequests. Spade: Ohhhhh. --- Guard: The king forbids citizens to travel beyond this point. (Inside a castle) NPCs: 1: Get outta here kid, we're trainin'. 2: Get outta here kid, we're trainin'. --- Orin: A nod to the saloon brawlers of chapter 5. But..uh..why the /hell/ would you give them a nod? --- 3: Hail, hail young man! I am Sir Spineless the Cowardly. I'm glad you showed. I certainly wasn't going to battle the dragon. --- Kjorteo: Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be k*THWACK* ow. Orin: Bad dog! --- 4: I serve the king. Can I get you a nice bowl of gruel? Swill? Mutton? 5: We've been standing still all day long and I could really go for a coffee break. ...a donut...a sandwich...anything. --- Spade: See what happens? Give a pizza to Cleopatra, and you completely screw up history like that. --- 6: We've been standing still all day long and I've got this itch on my nose. It's driving me crazy! (When you talk to King Arthur, it automatically shifts to a cutscene with a closeup of him as he speaks.) Arthur: Welcome! Welcome to Camelot, Mike! I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Wise old Merlin the Magician told us to expect you. And you are just in time, too! There's this awful, mean, terrible dragon, you see and he's making a mess of things. --- Kjorteo: (Arthur) Why, just today, he put a curse on my ability to use proper comma placement and stem my adjective obsession. --- I'd call on my brave and powerful knights but they all seem to be out on quests. Would you, brave Mike, smite down this terrible beast? NO: (Arthur's eyebrows change so he's scowling) Arthur: Very well, then, off with you. We have enough cowards here already. (The cutscene ends and you are back in the overworld view.) Arthur: We have enough cowards already. Get outta here. --- Orin: (Arthur) I'll give you ten seconds to leave my kingdom. One...two...five.... Kjorteo: (NPC) Three, sir. Orin: (Arthur) Three.... --- (I personally have never found a way to get Arthur to ask you again; he just keeps saying that over and over. Are you just completely screwed if you refuse once..? Though, in all fairness, it is ridiculously easy to start the chapter over, as it takes you all of twenty seconds to make it to Arthur again.) --- Orin: Geez. That's worse than the "But thou must!" choices. At least they don't make you hit Reset. Are they trying to rub your nose in it or something? --- YES: Arthur: You are indeed very brave! I hereby christen you, Sir Mike! (His sword raises and flashes a little as it tilts back and forth in what's supposed to remind the player of a knighting gesture.) * Your life level is increased! Arthur: You are now a Knight of the Round Table! Good luck on your journey! (Cutscene ends, back to overworld view) Arthur: Welcome! Welcome to Camelot, Mike! I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Wise old Merlin the Magician told us to expect you. And you are just in time, too! There's this awful, mean, terrible dragon, you see and he's making a mess of things. You are now a Knight of the Round Table! Go to the north and smite down the dragon. Sir Mike, good luck on your journey! --- Kjorteo: The writers knew they were dealing with what Arthur said /after/ you got christened. Why did they copy/paste his entire introduction again? --- NPCs: 5: Good luck Sir Mike! 6: Good luck Sir Mike! (Outside) Guard: You may pass Sir Mike. Fight bravely for our kingdom. --- Spade: (Mike) * You tell the story... "Blah blah blah fuck your kingdom blah I just want Tetrads blah blah." --- (To this game's credit, the next dungeon is actually pretty creative. It has a few rooms where you drop through the floor immediately after killing the last monster, and the room below has a certain platform you need to land on to continue. If you miss, there are stairs up, and you try to stand on the right spot as you slay the monsters in the upper room again. It also has rooms with conveyor belt puzzles and a floor that slowly starts to turn to spikes. The idea is to get through the conveyors fast enough that there aren't too many spikes to jump over. The boss is a knight on a floating horse in the middle of a room surrounded by conveyors. You have to throw katanas inward at him while jumping his own shots. These are at least the most creative puzzles and battles the game has thought of so far, with the possible exception of Zoda-Y. You emerge in a cave, and are immediately approached by an owl.) Owl: Hoot...hoooot...hello, Mike. I am glad that you have come so far...I'm sure that you remember my other disguises. --- Orin: (Mike) Yeah, they were a hoot--SHIT! Sorry, I'll stop now.... --- (He turns into the monkey from chapter 3, then the donkey from chapter 5, then a wizard with a blue robe and pointy wizard hat. It suddenly turns into a close-up cutscene with him.) --- Kjorteo: (Mike) Wow, you must be a regular Merlin to be able to time slip and disg-- --- Merlin: Call me Merlin. I am the magician in King Arthur's court. --- Kjorteo: (Mike) --FUCK! Sorry! Really! --- Long ago I had a good friend from a faraway planet. His name was Hirocon. --- Orin: (Merlin) We walked 1,000,000,000 miles and fought the goblin and then ate hot dogs. The end. --- He spread the Tetrads across time and space so that only a hero could find them. When last we spoke, he asked me to watch over such a hero in his journey someday. That hero was you, Sir Mike, and that day has come. You must now collect the last Tetrad and put them all together. The fate of Hirocon's race depends on you. --- Kjorteo: (Merlin) Do you understand? (Yes/No) --- I will now give you the last and most powerful magic. * You've got the Ultra Psychic Shock Wave. Merlin: Now, continue your journey along this path and fight for the final Tetrad. --- Spade: (Merlin) Fight, Mike! For everlasting..um..Tetrads. --- (The second dungeon in this chapter is much more difficult than previous dungeons, but it is not nearly as creative as the first dungeon. You basically fight a bunch of enemies and navigate a few moving platform rooms. The boss is a rather ugly- looking red dragon, who is invulnerable except for his head. This means that you can damage him by either firing while jumping, or by firing while he lowers his head to breathe fire at you. Rather than dodging or using agility, this is basically a Rambo- ish battle of standing there and blasting at him while he does you, until one of you dies. Since the Ultra Psychic Shock Wave has unlimited range and lots of damage, and you pick up lots of usable medicine throughout the level, you can easily outlast the dragon. Spikes slowly fill the room so that if you don't kill him quickly enough, you have nowhere to stand. This would be creative, except the dragon falls so fast that they're not even a factor, as you'll be out of the room before they're halfway done with the second row. At the exit is the L-shaped Tetrad.) * You've got a Tetrad! Your life level is increased! (By now your life level is at the maximum.) * You try to put all the Tetrads together...but nothing happens!? (Outside the cave, it switches to the cutscene with Mike standing there and the image of Mica's head appearing.) --- Orin: (Mica) Mike, you must burn things! Burn them to the ground! --- Mica: Mike, can you hear me? Mike, can you hear me? Mike, we need your help...come back to C-Island...hurry! (The image of Mica's head disappears) Mike: Mica! Wait! Disconnected...?! (It switches to the cutscene with the open Oxford Wonder World.) * You turn to the last page and say the magic words... --- Kjorteo: (Mike) Please Thank You May I. Whooaaa! This is radical! --- Mike: Paa paa paa oom papa mow mow. Whoooaaa! Here we go again! (Time travel cutscene. End of chapter.) -...You slip into another time and space....- -CHAPTER 9- (You appear on C-Island. It's the same C-Island as StarTropics I so I'm not going to describe it again.) * You appear.... Mike: Hmm...palm trees...a beach...I'm on C-Island! --- Spade: Of course, because that's the only place on Earth that has palm trees and a beach. --- * You've got to help Mica! Hurry to Coralcola! (In Coralcola, all the NPCs have apparently been turned into boars. There are exactly 13 of them counting the chief, all of which simply say "Oink! Oink! Snort!" There is one human NPC standing next to the entrance to the C-Island Tunnel.) NPC: Mike! Welcome back to Coralcola! The strangest thing has happened. I came back from fishing and found all of the villagers have changed to wild boars! --- Kjorteo: (Mike) I dunno, they could be domesticated. Have you tried seeing if they're housebroken? --- And if that isn't weird enough...odd sounds have been coming from this tunnel. --- Orin: (NPC) I keep hearing people moaning and enthusiastically agreeing with each other.... --- Please help us Mike! NPC: Good luck! (The first half of the C-Island Tunnel is an attempt at a recreation of the orignal C-Island tunnel, but it does more to enrage anyone who actually cared about the first StarTropics than it does to appease them. Playing the C-Island Tunnel with the StarTropics II gameplay and such is basically not unlike watching them take a giant piss on the first game. Seeing things like the purple jellies in tutus replaced by the blobs from Camelot, the bug-eyed snake things replaced by the generic cobras from chapter Ancient Egypt, and the three-room medicine death trap replaced by a two-room thing with medicine and a generic spike puzzle is enough to make one weep. The tile-jumping puzzles are rendered completely awkward by StarTropics II's more freeform and non-tile-based movement system; you can frequently kill yourself by accidentally jumping too far and overshooting the tile, and that never happened before. Even the music is a stupid remix of the original dungeon music, furthering the theme of this being a twisted nightmare version of the lovable classic. The boss is an undead skeletal version of the C-Serpent, but the fight is barely even worth mentioning since you can just blow him away with the Ultra Psychic Shock Wave.) --- Spade: Awww. The medicine death trap was the coolest thing in the world, though. I mean, come on. It was a death trap. With medicine. --- (Right after the C-Serpent's room, the tunnel turns into an all-new dungeon. The first few rooms offer a choice of walled-off conveyor belt paths, each of which take you to completely random selections of hearts and medicine to fuel you up before the final battles. At the end, you fall through the floor into a black and white room, and hear that completely godawful digitized laugh before the door opens. You are suddenly immersed in deja vu battles, fighting black and white versions of most of the bosses you fought before, in black and white versions of their rooms: chapter 2's Yum-Yum, chapter 3's scorpion and floating King Tut mask, chapter 4's Zoda-X, chapter 5's skeleton miner, chapter 7's Zoda-Y, and chapter 8's dragon. All of them take more hits to die and are possibly slightly more challenging than they were before, but this is all negated by having the Ultra Psychic Shock Wave...except for the dragon, since you had that already the first time you fought him. After that, you enter another empty room that opens after the godawful laugh. Inside is the final battle, which must be Zoda-Z even though it never specifically says that. It starts as five little alien blob things that wander around aimlessly and shoot at you, four of which are invincible, and you have to beat the crap out of the one that's not the same color. The remaining four then merge together and turn into Zoda-Z's regular form, which floats around the room aimlessly and shoots at you, and occasionally shoots things that turn you into a boar. As a boar, you can jump but you can't attack, so you just have to dodge his shots until it wears off. After enough damage, Zoda-Z turns into a rather nifty-looking extremely tall lizard thing, which mostly does the same exact thing, only very /very/ rarely tries other tricks like making pillars of fire shoot across random rows of the screen. After Zoda-Z dies, the room turns to full color again, and you leave the dungeon. At the exit are all seven space children, but Mica immediately runs up to you and switches to a cutscene with her, ensuring she's once again the only one who actually says anything.) --- Kjorteo: (Mica) Mike, can you hear me? Mike, can you hear me? --- Mica: Thanks for saving us Mike! I have many things to tell you...but now we have to make sure that the Coralcolans are OK! I'll meet you at the chief's hut! (Back in coralcola, everyone is back to normal, and the village's music has changed to a horrible remix of the original village/overworld theme from StarTropics I.) NPCs: 1: Thanks for saving us Mike! 2: Welcome back to the, uh, present, Mike! I hear you went thru time and space! --- Orin: (Mike) Ya thru tiem itw as gr8 lol --- 3: I still feel a little strange...oink! Oink! Snort! ...?! 4: Thanks for saving us Mike! 5: Boy, where do you come from? Americola...?? 6: Wow! You zapped the Zodas! Too cool! Show me how to use the Ultra Psychic Shock Wave sometime. --- Spade: Wow, that sounded wrong. Orin: Hey, there is nothing wrong with zapping your own Zoda. --- 7: Mike! I'm Miss Coral. Remember me? You look totally cool! 8: Mica has already returned. She's waiting for you! 9: Thank you Mike! Though, I did enjoy being a wild boar too! --- Kjorteo: (9) Well, at least until the novelty of peeing on stuff wore off. --- 10: Hi, Mike you've done it! What a great boy! 11: Thanks for saving us Mike! 12: I'm gonna roast a pig for your victory. --- Spade: (Mike) You've been meaning to get around to roasting that pig ever since StarTropics I. Don't bother anymore. I'll just have three-day-old Pizza Blah. --- I hear you like rare roast. What a barbarian! Pig: Oink! Oink! --- Orin: Oh good, I'm so glad to see the pig is back to normal. Hey...why the hell did Zoda bother changing the pig into a boar? --- (Just like in the original StarTropics, the pig turns around and moons you after you talk to him, and has a suggestively placed pixel beneath his tail. Of course, all the wild boars did too....) (Inside the chief's hut) Space kids: 1: Thanks for saving us Mike! 2: Thanks for saving us Mike! 3: Thanks for saving us Mike! 4: Thanks you Mike! 5: Thanks you Mike! 6: Thanks you Mike! --- Spade: God, you guys suck. Why the hell are you even in this game? --- Mica: Mike, the village is back to normal! You have saved us all once again! We will be forever indebted to you. --- Kjorteo: (Mica) Qui quy! Qui...k qui quy? We will never forget your kindness. --- Now, let's put the Tetrads together and see what happens! Chief: The hero returns! Welcome back Mike! You are a power player indeed! Perhaps I can help you with those Tetrads. After all, "Tetris" is my middle name. (The chief starts to raise his eyebrows up and down suggestively.) --- Orin: ...Gods, I don't even know where to begin with what's wrong with that. --- * The chief puts the Tetrads together. (Cutscene of the tetrads being put together. I will use ASCII art to display how they are assembled. This is what they look like in your inventory: I J I L T J SS I ZZ XX L TTT JJ SS I ZZ XX LL This is what they look like assembled: LLL LXX S JXX Z SSJJJZZ STTTZ T I I I I After being assembled, the Tetrads all flash, then the screen blacks out and back in with Hirocon standing there. He has a crest of the same design on his shirt, which flashes a bit before calming down.) --- Spade: (Mike) Ahh, no wonder they didn't do anything when I put them together. I was going for the non-bat shit insane configuration. --- * It's Hirocon! Hirocon: Hello, Mike! Thank you so much for saving me! --- Orin: Uhh..? --- Mica: Father! You're alive! Hirocon: Mica! I'm so glad you arrived here safely! When trouble began on Argonia, I sent you away in the escape pod...and then had my essence transferred to these Tetrads. Now, thanks to Mike, we are all safe... --- Spade: Well, except Dr.J. He just kind of "was hypnotized" and then disappeared. If Zoda is a real villain, Dr.J was probably killed and fed to those little tentacle things. Kjorteo: True, but remember that Zoda is /not/ a real villain. Spade: True. --- Mica: ...And together we can go back to Argonia and rebuild our society! Goodby, Mike! !uoy tuoba gnikniht eb ll'I Ha! Ha! (Note: Just in case you missed it, she just said "I'll be thinking about you" backwards. And yes, she really does say "Goodby.") Hirocon: Thanks again Mike. You will always hold a place as the hero of Argonia! --- Orin: ...Well THAT just raped the original StarTroipcs' ending. Kjorteo: I /told/ you this game actually blasphemes that one, but would you believe me? Noooo.... --- (Hirocon, Mica, and the other six kids all flash and fly away. You see a short cutscene of eight lights flying away into the sky, with Mike running after them. Suddenly it freezes, and the whole picture tints yellow with mike in mid-sprint. A book appears as an outline, with text on the right-hand page and pictures on the left. The text is the credits rolling, and the pictures form a slideshow of the memorable moments of this game, much like in the original StarTropics. However, this time they're a lot smaller and they're all tinted yellow. Also, most of them (all the major NPC characters and bosses) are just the close-up pictures from in the game, copy/pasted and tinted yellow. In order, the slideshow consists of: * Dr.J. (Lifted from the game.) * A close-up of a wall with Pikazo's symbols etched on them. (This one actually had some thought put into it.) * Yum-Yum with his mouth open, ready to eat a boar. * Mike riding a camel with a pyramid in the background. (This one had by far the most thought put into it, and actually looked like a decent picture.) --- Spade: Wow, the absolute low point for this game gets the most detail in the ending. Are they /trying/ to tell us that this game is shit? --- * Sherlock Holmes. (Lifted from the game.) * Zoda-X. (Lifted from the game.) * The skeleton miner bashing his sledgehammer on the ground. * Leonardo da Vinci. (Lifted from the game.) --- Orin: Aww, no Raver Lisa? /That/ was the absolute low point for this game, I think. Spade: Pizza Blah. Orin: Raver Lisa. Spade: Pizza Blah. Orin: Raver Lisa. Spade: Pizza Blah!! Orin: Rav*THWACK* ow. Kjorteo: Knock it off, you two. --- * Zoda-Y's bird-bug-thing form flapping his wings and blowing razor feathers at you. * King Arthur. (Lifted from the game.) * The dragon breathing fire at the camera. * The undead C-Serpent rising from the water. * Zoda-Z's spiffy lizard thing form hitting the ground with his fist. * Hirocon. (Lifted from the game.) * Mica. (Lifted from the game.) * The picture of mike running after the disappearing lights. --- Orin: (Mike) Wait, come back! You said you were gonna hook me up with more of that Argonian weed...aww. --- As this picture appears, the credits end and the text becomes "What a wild adventure! If I hadn't lived it, I wouldn't believe it!" The book then closes. "StarTropics II" is written on the top of the cover, "Nintendo" on the bottom. "THE END" fades into the middle of the cover as the music stops.) ========== *POOF!* Spade: OK, let's see where we are. Orin: It seems to be unusually cloudy up here. Kjorteo: "Up here?" Orin: Well, seeing as the clouds are below us and we're standing on them, I guessed that we're not on the ground. Kjorteo: Really? Hmm...we must be in Heaven! Orin: Did that game kill us or something? Kjorteo: No...we obviously couldn't have been sent here that way, since Spade is with us. Spade: Oh shut up. Kjorteo: This must just be the next stop in our quest. Orin: Hey, is that God over there? Spade: Huh? Oh, I guess it must bGYAAAAAAAHHH! MY EYES!! I'M BLIND!! Orin: Well yeah. You didn't look directly at God, did you? Everyone knows you can't do that. Spade: You..fucker... Orin: Dumbass. Kjorteo: Hey, break it up, guys. Let's just avert our eyes and ask God for a tomato and go home. (At God's throne) Orin: BLAH BLAH QUEST BLAH TOMATO BLAH. God: Um...OK. Good thing I'm omniscient, so I know what in My name you just said. Orin: Yeah. God: Unfortunately, there's only one tomato tree in My kingdom, and I'm currently at war with Lucifer over it. Kjorteo: Wow. I guess I caught You at a bad time. God: I guess. Speaking of which, here comes a bunch of his soldiers. You guys might wanna not be on the battlefield right now. Kjorteo: Wait..I have an idea! God, can you procure a radio that plays lame "I learned something today" music? God: Uh...sure. Here you go. * * * Kjorteo's party has received the Radio! * * * Kjorteo: OK..it's playing now. *Ahem* Stop fighting, everyone!! (All of the soldiers on both sides stop and look at Kjorteo) Kjorteo: My party has been on a quest for the ingredients to make a BLT sandwich. And one of the ingredients is a tomato from that tomato tree over there. But I learned that it's more than just a quest to make lunch. You see, we've visited time periods with wars, civil unrest, and..um..more wars. There are all these people fighting and dying, but instead of doing that, they could just set aside their differences, and give everything to us! (There's an '80s movie-like long pause, with all the soldiers looking at each other, contemplating, before one finally starts clapping...then another...and soon, the whole battlefield erupts into applause.) Lucifer: Why yes...instead of fighting and ultimately being plunged into the lake of fire over this tomato..why don't we just give it to Kjorteo? God: Yes. So much fighting could be spared if we just give the tomato to Kjorteo. It makes perfect sense! * * * Kjorteo's party has received the Tomato! * * * God: Tell you what...I'll even put the ingredients together for you, and then send you home. Orin: Wait...aren't we forgetting something? God: Huh? Kjorteo: Doesn't there have to be an obligatory scene where a comic relief character does something stupid, someone scolds him, and everyone laughs and laughs as the scene fades out? God: Oh yeah! Silly Me, I almost forgot. Lucifer: Hey, God, before you put their sandwich together, I think I just ate the bread. *Burp* God: Luciferrrrrrrr!!! Kjorteo: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Orin: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Spade: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! God: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Soldiers: Ha ha ha ha ha ha! * * * THE END * * * ========== Spade: OK, that game hurt. I'm sorry, but as a fan of the original StarTropics, it cut me deeply. I'm no longer ashamed to admit that. Kjorteo: It's OK, Spade. As much as we never agree on anything, totally hate each each other, and probably plot assasinations in our sleep, I'm with you on this one. Go ahead and let it out. Spade: ...OK. As I said, thsi game hurt. Nintendo apparently decided it was completely impossible for anyone to have liked the first game, so they didn't even try to make a good game on the second. StarTropics I may have had some completely goofy elements to it--you knew you were in trouble when a polynesian chief sent you to rescue your uncle from space aliens while wielding a deadly yo-yo--but it was deceptively solid beneath that. Kjorteo: Especially when nostalgia exists and everything seems more wonderful in one's youth, you can get genuinely attached to the original StarTropics. I'm not afraid to admit that the dramatic moments were actually dramatic for me; finally reuniting with Dr.J in "Reunion" meant a lot to me, and I almost cried during the sentimental game reviewing slideshow in the end. It reminded me of the great moments of that game. This is probably why the slideshow in StarTropics II was so bad by comparison; none of the moments it reminded me of were even good, let alone great. Spade: Nintendo apparently didn't realize that they made a good game that happened to have some inanity in it, so for the sequel they just shitted out a story that was purposefully nothing but inane, thinking that this is somehow good. I mean... seeking Tetrads? And there's too many occurances of horrible, horrible historical era-raping to even mention. This is why StarTropics II failed; StarTropics had a little bit of lame dialogue with a deceptively good story behind it. StarTropics II had nothing but lame dialogue with nothing but more lame dialogue behind it. If that wasn't enough, the warped version of StarTropics' chapter 1 in StarTropics II's chapter 9 was just a slap in the face to anyone who enjoyed the original. Of course, finding out that this game is a hollow lie in chapter 9 is a lot like recognizing Leonardo da Vinci in chapter 6: they drop so many clues beforehand that even Mike could figure it out first, but in the end they go ahead and spell it out for you anyway. Kjorteo: Ooh, good analogy. Spade: Thank you. Kjorteo: Another thing this game did wrong was completely kill the challenge. I felt genuinely accomplished when I beat StarTropics I, especially because I did so with an actual cart on an actual NES when it was still a brand new title, so savestate technology wasn't around to save me. The challenge was such that by the time I actually beat Zoda, I felt genuinely proud of myself; the difficulty of that fight helped bring out the feeling of satisfaction of stopping an evil alien overlord, which in turned made the ending that much more satisfying. Spade: Yes, and blasting three generic Zoda clones with ungodly powerful shock waves in extremely subpar battles in game 2 just does /not/ have that effect. In games that are hard enough that you can't just sleepwalk through battles (while still not being so hard that they're just plain cheap,) finally overcoming difficult battles dramatically increases how much you can relate to the characters' feeling of "I did it! Now the world is at peace!" I mean, you just /feel/ the triumph in that case. Kjorteo: I'll bring up just one more critical failure. I can't really get into an elaborate discussion about it like I did with everything else, but I'll just be blunt. StarTropics II had exceptionally bad music. Spade: Ooh, yes, quite. Kjorteo: Good emotional music helped move me with StarTropics' ending, but music that screams "this is stupid" once again reminded me how stupid StarTropics II truly is. Spade: Now, all this being said, even I have to concede StarTropics II wasn't a total waste. Kjorteo: Oh, yes, good point. Is StarTropics II a bad game? Yes and no, basically. Everything about the writing was exceptionally poor, but with the exception of chapter 9, at least the gameplay was solid. I remember being excited when this game was being previewed, because the screenshots showed dramatic leaps in the freedom of movement from the first StarTropics. Your movement was no longer tile- based! You could jump and change direction in mid-air, and land anywhere! You could fire while in mid-air! There were multi-level platforms where you can jump onto things that are higher than other things! While the last point was drastically underused, everything just mentioned did make this game fun. Spade: Of course, when they more or less copy/pasted the C-Island Tunnel from StarTropics I, the new freedom completely killed it. Not only was it frustrating to overshoot the tiles on what used to be extremely basic jumps, but the clashing styles just once again reminded me that this is not the same as it was before, that we are in a warped StarTropics II version of what used to be a StarTropics I classic. Kjorteo: All in all, I would still actually have to say that this game is essentially good. While I scratched my head a little at the writing's blatant stupidity, I still found it to be a solid game overall and I was not disappointed that I bought it. It's just that it so completely killed the original StarTropics.... Spade: Yes. In conclusion, this game is not StarTropics and any attempt to pretend it is is a sad lie. It needs to quit pretending it's something that it's really not. It does have a more or less solid engine, but it needs an actual attempt at writing. Kjorteo: And that, my friends and readers, is StarTropics II: Zoda's Revenge. We hope you enjoyed reading this complete attack as much as I enjoyed rethinking and revisiting the classics. Until next time, stay well, everyone. Doggie out. Orin: ...That was beautiful, guys. ========== ========== FIN... ========== ========== ...MOST FISH HAVE THEM. ==========